i was told today that I have “resting smug face” but trust me I’m making the effort
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“I’d totally have sex with that guy if he roared his engine louder!”
-nobody ever
God: you’re man’s best friend
Dog: OMG! Love it!
God: yup
Dog: dynamic duo, partners in crime!
God: well..
Dog: two of a kind, 50/50! we make decisions together!
God: you live in a kennel in the yard
Dog: what
Good News: Your kid will finally eat something green.
Bad News: It’s avocados, and now you have to take out a second mortgage.
me: i’ll just have one more bite
narrator: she would go on to have 37 more bites
Accidentally dropped a magic mushroom in my cats litter box & now he’s laying across the driveway staring at the stars & quoting Kierkegaard
My son keeps running around naked, so I sprayed him with Windex. It’s supposed to prevent streaking.
when i donate my body to science, they’ll be like ok do we have any other options?
If the kids knew there was a light in the attic, they would leave that one on too.
[math class]
ME: today we’ll learn about [gestures to number on whiteboard] the tenths place
STUDENT: what’s the point?
ME: good question, what is the point of any of this? we’re all gonna die anyway
STUDENT: I mean in that number
ME: oh, that’s the decimal
“Doc, my boyfriend & I don’t wanna get pregnant. He hates condoms & I think the jelly isn’t working.”
“What kind are you using?”
“Grape”
ZOMBIE: *squishing brains through fingers* got your knows
Redheads are an endangered species, I think that every city should have a petting party for them at least once a week.
~quits job, buys RV
Too many Christmas rom-coms, not nearly enough Halloween rom-coms
I have a PhD
Pretty
Huge
Drinkingproblem
what if we kissed on the garfield couch
Guard: Sorry, no dogs
Man: But it’s a guide dog
Guard: Oh, ok
Guide Dog: And if you look to your left you’ll notice an insensitive jerk
There are so many of you I would love to hug and like two that I’m afraid they’d make me into a lampshade
“Dad this is better than Applebee’s”
Well if you need me I will be over here filling out my MasterChef application.
A good prank if you’re in line behind a baby at Starbucks and the mother isn’t paying attention is to give the baby a thousand dollars
When you’re totalitarian but still want people to have choices…
Someone 5 miles away could drop their keys on a carpeted floor inside their home and my dog would still hear it and bark for 20 minutes
Starting a skydiving school called Active Chuters
Princess: U alone?
Luigi: Ya. Mario lookin 4 u underwater.
P: lol. wut?
L: ya idk. meet up?
P: sure. go-karts
L: k i’ll bring bananas
Being Man, a territorial animal, I assert dominance by sending Facebook Pokes.
Irish I was a lil bit smaller. Irish I was a leprechaun baller. Irish I had a shamrock & a hat, & endless gold coins in a big black cauldron
Me [trying to get respect from my family after eating 12 hotdogs] how many more hotdogs do I need to eat before you respect me?
Mom: we just want you to get a job. Give me the *sound of a struggle* hotdogs
Marianne Williamson is incredible. She said at her only debate that her first act as president would be to tell New Zealand they ain’t shit
My 4yo is singing a song called “it’s Tuesday” and it’s just her singing those two words over and over interspersed with high pitched shrieks and she can’t get in the bath until she’s done and I have no idea when that’ll be. And the worst part of all this? It’s not even Tuesday.
Willy Wonka making Charlie the CEO of the Wonka company was actually a pretty smart business move considering the lawsuits the company will be getting after the murder tour
So proud of my ancestors for crawling out of the sea and evolving lungs.
Pretty disappointed in them ever since though