Disney’s Aladdin taught me that as long as you have a foundation of lies, actual magic, and one of you is rich, a relationship can work.
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Stop right there babe, you need permission to enter the pillow fort.
“it must’ve gone to my spam folder” and other lies I tell at work
Cops: COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS WHERE WE CAN SEE THEM
Invisible Hands Adam: shit
That moment when your ID badge doesn’t work & you wonder:
Did I get fired?
Can I go back to bed now?
Will my 401k sustain my food addiction?
*hires sky writer*
I K N O W Y O U A T E
T H E L A S T F R U I T R O L L U P.
I W A N T A D I V O R C E
K A R E N.
zordon: YOU ARE MY POWER RANGERS
9th graders: whoa!
zordon: HERE ARE THE KEYS TO THE MEGAZORD
9th graders: but we don’t even have our driver’s licens–
zordon: GO GO POWER RANGERS
No thanks “protected account”. You can’t trick me into following you!
For all I know, you could be a vegan.
Why is called an “extraction” and not an “amputeeth”?
I can’t wait til there’s a chalk outline filter
Remember folks, the more you decorate for the holidays, the more flammable your house & property. Happy Holidays!!
My husband and I have a lot in common. We’re both married to immature people and live in a filthy house.
Daughter: what do you call a T-Rex with sleep apnea?
Me: no idea.
Daughter: a Dinosnore : )
Me: [sniff].
Daughter: are you crying?
Me: I’m just so proud of you.
Barber: ok that will be $900
Chewbacca: (chewbacca noise)
Fortune Cookie:
For healthy looking skin, don’t get eaten by a bear.
My wife asked me to toast some bread for her. So, I raised my beer and said, “Here’s to bread.”
I might be drinking too much…
[showing off scars]
ME: *lifting shirt* I’ve had this one for as long as I can remember
HER: that’s your bellybutton
I’m rockin the ‘Barbie doll’ look today.
No, I didn’t dye my hair blonde.
I did 4 pushups and now I can’t unbend my arms
Ladies, if Men had PMS they’d get into fist fights, defraud partners, start wars, abuse women, stop paying child support..HEY-wait a minute!
Not saying I’m impatient, but I do appreciate a murder in the first chapter.
I bet the Sorting Hat ceremony is really fascinating at first and then he starts taking his sweet time on the eleventh kid and you realize there’s 200 more and you’re not allowed to look at your phone.
People I live with are hiding my shit. The two most effective hiding places to date:
1) out in the open
2) where I last left it
she like a man in uniform so the mcdonalds outfit here 2 stay
Yesterday, I accidentally swallowed some food coloring.
The doctor says I’m okay, but I feel like I’ve dyed a little inside.
Overheard:
“Why is this guy listening to our conversation?”
waiter: would you like anything else ma’am?
me: yes please, a box for the leftovers that I will most definitely leave here on the table.
Wife :’Darling, look. I haven’t worn this in 8 years and it still fits.’
Hubby : It’s a scarf!
[Bartending]
Girl: I’d like a martini, make it virgin
Me: ok, I’ll make it, just stop calling me that
Is it true animals can sense danger? The cat’s been wearing a helmet all week and it makes me nervous.
Fun prank: Just leave random “I’m sorry I hit your car” notes on people’s cars and watch them look for a non existent dent.
Rule: If thou has a Macbook, thou shall always taketh photos of objects with the Macbook in the background.