Judge: Order in the court
[from the back]
Me: Can I get a large pepperoni pizza with… [puts hand over speaker and looks around] what?
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a broth-er is the best relative to help you make soup
You know what sounds good? A cupcake. $4.75? Seems a little steep, but okay.
DoorDash: That’ll be $67.50.
An opossum is just a regular possum that reenacts the diner scene from When Harry Met Sally.
“This soup is fantastic, I’ll have another please.”
Bartender: “Ma’am, that’s a martini”
Plant care tips
Telling my wife I’m taking her someplace fancy is my way of getting 4 hours to myself while she gets ready.
Damn you Jehovah’s, suckered me in to opening my door. Sure,I’ll read your literature, while you read my twitter. We’ll see who converts who
I gave brutally honest script notes to a close friend and he really respected me for ending the friendship.
Seventh-Grade Class Scrambling To Piece Together Teacher’s Home Life From Desktop Background Before PowerPoint Opened
The name’s Bond, James Bond. And you are?
There needs to be a grocery store for single people where they sell flour by the tablespoon.
Boss: *gives us company jerseys as a perk*
Me: Master has presented Dobby with clothes.
Sex is great but have you tried taking a shower after a week of camping?
Vampire selfies are just phones floating in front of bathroom mirrors.
Friend: I’m pregnant
Me: You should have just got a dog
Just dropped ranch dressing on my phone then licked it off. So some of you just got to first base with me.
My autobiography will be a single piece of paper that says ‘Ugh’
If life gives you a cactus that doesn’t mean you have to sit on it.
[mcdonalds]
me: two marijuanas please
employee: this is the mcdonald’s drive thru
me: two McMarijuanas please
If we’re talking & I start running my nails up & down your arm, I either really like you, or I’m looking for an artery close to the surface.
I’m chunky but I always wear activewear in public so that people think I’m at least doing something about it.
I just wished a Bride-to-be good luck on her first marriage.
She didn’t seem to appreciate my sincerity.
I received a memo from the boss, once, that just read “template”. I spent hours developing one, when he pops in and asks if they showed up. 🤦🏻♂️
Take 1/5th the $ car insurance companies spend on advertising, apply it to health care, and everyone can have golden organs and never die.
They should fill the airbags with confetti to make car accidents more fun.
*crashes vehicle*
“OMG, my legs! Hey, a party!”
*dies smiling*
Finally, a door that understands me
A welcome mat is a gateway rug.
Shouting “say my name baby” but it’s just me waiting on my takeout order
coroner: his stomach was completely filled with guacamole
detective: and that’s what killed him?
coroner: [looks at detective then at the axe in my skull then back at detective] no
As I’m loudly interrogating my stuffed animals on why I’m single, I realize why I’m still single.