Lasagna asks the question, “what if pasta were a book”
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Trader Joe’s: What if pumpkin had a baby with everything?
[reading humpty dumpty]
with a straight face they really decided to drag the king’s horses like that
My daughter telling me not to worry because she got her own allowance from my purse did not have the effect she intended
It’s beginning to look a lot like *Christmas.
*the kids are doing what they’re told so I stop threatening to return their gifts.
I’ve started dating Little Red Riding Hood’s gran.
She’s an animal in bed.
Caveman 1: Tell me a story.
Caveman 2: Once upon a time….
Caveman 1: Woah you lost me!
I just asked my boyfriend does he think I’m loud. His response “Well it’s very easy to hear you…”
???????????????????????
Me: my dad left to get cigarettes 20 years ago
My dad: [opening door] I was doing side quests
Anytime I see a teacher sitting backwards in a chair, I’m like, “Oh damn. This guy is about to test the boundaries of traditional education”
“OnStar, this is Sharon, how may I help you?” “My penis is stuck in the cigarette lighter hole.” “Is this Brandon?” “Yup.” “I’ll call 911.”
5 walked in on sexy time last night and yelled “Mommy’s in danger” so I’m just wondering if it’s better to explain it to her teacher or just wait for the call?
A Toyota Prius tried to race me at a stop sign. I totally had it for the first 100ft, but I can only walk so fast
The real miracle is that the human race still exists after being stupid enough to kill the guy who could turn water into wine…
Idiots.
The person in that bathroom stall would not survive ‘A Quiet Place’
I often wish that gravity was a more selective force regarding who it kept on this planet.
I don’t think anyone here is a serial killer because you have to be really self motivated and it’s like we all just eat snacks and take naps
The name England comes from the words ‘engorged’ and ‘gland’ inspired, of course, by the shape of the country.
the area 51 thing but someone makes an event called “Don’t Go To Work, They Can’t Fire All of Us” and then we trick everyone into a general strike by calling it a “meme”
There’s no such thing as detoxing your body, but enjoy spending three hundred bucks on your diarrhea.
I only look good from one angle and if someone could please tell me what that angle is I’d be grateful
I’m opening a secret ice cream club called The Inside Scoop
This 1886 photograph of a young girl trying to cut a beam of sunlight with a pair of scissors is either a wonderful testament to the boundless imagination of childhood, or a clear example of the fact that kids were just as dumb 135 years ago.
Using “Hello” as a greeting
– boring
– uninspired
– predictableUsing “Hiya” as a greeting
– casually playful
– conveys enthusiasm
– leaves door open for karate
Mumford & Sons! It’s your cousin, Marvin. Marvin & Sons. You know that new sound you’re looking for? *holds phone to a boiling pot of water*
date: wow nice body
me: i like working out
date: it shows
me: *bench pressing cadaver* he’s starting to stink tho
I just ate dinner. At 4pm. I am SO prepared for my 74th birthday
[commercial for soup]
NARRATOR: ever wanna drink a sandwich?
(Trump rally)
Trump: I’ll take questions now.
Reporter: How will you fix California’s drought?
Trump: More water.
Crowd: *cheers wildly*
*laughing* I bought a baby gate (to keep the dog from eating the cat’s food) but forgot to tell my son. A box was delivered with the words “BABY GATE” on it. I was running errands so he saw the box. I got a call from my horrified son asking “OMG NO Why do you need a BABY gate?”