4: “Can I say fuh?”
Me: “Don’t…”
4: “Can I say king?!”
Me: “NoooOOOOOOO!”
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What’s the most ridiculous demand a customer has made of you? I’ll go first: when I was working retail, a woman once demanded I pick her up from her Botox appointment with my car & bring her to the mall to shop
My wife just threatened to kill me in my sleep, which seems much less horrifying than being killed wide awake. She’s always been thoughtful.
Who will tell him he’s not a dog !
I can’t believe someone had the audacity to tell ME *gestures wildly at self* that I’m dramatic
Rest in peace, 974,832nd chapstick i put through the laundry
what’s something i can do besides get married where i can be the center of attention and everyone cries and tells me how beautiful i am
No matter how cold it is, someone is sleeping with the fan on.
Passed by a old school Math example today.
I’ve gotten to the point in my parenting career where I don’t just vacuum up Legos, I laugh while I do it.
Why don’t men ever think to do helpful catcalls like “YO SEXY THE SIDEWALK IS CLOSED AT THE END OF THIS BLOCK – CONSIDER REROUTING, MAMI!”
One man’s girlfriend is another man’s Twitter password.
[first day as a baker]
boss: open this door. you better not be making sculptures again
me: ahh [frantically trying to hide bread pitt and angelina doughlie] just a second
The fake cough I use when calling in sick is now available on iTunes.
Sometimes at the beach it’s like “gross, is that a condom?” Yes. And it’s staying on. Not looking to raise any shark children.
This guy I was talking to asked if he had to worry about a boyfriend or husband that would get mad at him for dating me, so I asked him, “why, you can’t fight?”
Anyways, that’s how I ended up blocked
May I get your name? Yes, its “I’m The Only Person Here Waiting For Coffee.”
Yes, Kiddo drank her carrot juice, if by “drank,” we mean surreptitiously pouring it into my Boston fern.
They’ve postponed the Olympics, so I’m going to back off the intensity of my workouts.
Got a new bottle of shampoo and now I’m using what’s left in the old one with the reckless abandon of someone who just won the lottery.
boss: u should’ve been here at 9
me: why what happened at 9
You won’t believe this, kids, but TV used to end. Every day. They played the national anthem, and then it just…stopped. Scary, huh?
him, texting from the party: where did you go???
me, already home in bed: bathroom brb
Wonders if chickens do the funky people.
“Oh hello, I didn’t see you there!” – Translation: I have failed to avoid you
The lady on the news said that alcohol sales are down significantly in Alberta.
I’ve been sober for 57 days.So technically, I was on the news tonight.
I tucked my kids in last night and said, “See you in the morning!” and then we laughed and laughed. Saw them 16 more times before sunrise.
Cat toys that look like actual mice are going to be the reason for my heart attack
[to son before going in house] remember its opposite day
wife: how was go karting?
son: dad didnt take off his helmet and throw it at anyone
If you don’t count the six chocolate chip cookies or the two dead bodies, my diet’s going pretty well today.
No sweetie, you can’t have your giant chocolate bunny for breakfast, that’s not healthy and also mommy ate it for dinner last night.