these fake antiques roadshow captions are so funny to me
[A THREAD]
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Dammit Chief not again
I NEED TO GET BACK TO THE OLD ME WHEN I HAD MY SHIT TOGETHER. I THINK I WAS 7.
*puts on pickle costume*
*gets stuck in pickle costume*
*calls friend*
Could you please help me?
I’ve gotten my myself into a pickle.
Alexa, give me the winning lottery numbers for tonight
I wrote a message to my mom giving her a heads up on my carefully thought-out plan to approach my wife about a divorce, and then accidentally sent it to my wife.
I’m more than willing to test out that whole “money can’t buy happiness” thing.
*walks up to cashier with paper towels*
Are these the largest tampons you have?
Remember: no matter what anyone else thinks of you, it’s how you delude yourself that matters.
Peppa pig = spicy bacon
You can have a terrier or you can have a Roomba, but you cannot have both.
Pretend it’s a beer… Pretend it’s a beer… Pretend it’s a beer… – Me trying not to drop a baby.
Sign in the window of one of our local bookshops!
I just said hello and waved to a baby and the baby puked I must not be looking good today
Tired: Clapping when the plane lands
Wired: Clapping when the Lyft arrives
My 5 year plan is to get an amp for my bass. That fish sure does love his energy drinks
It’s been a few days now but I’m still thinking about this
You can change your cat’s name every day. They don’t care.
“Because I got high” is actually a song about pilots, who go to high altitudes in their planes every day, and have good reason for not doing all those things in the song.
When I say something occurred under mysterious circumstances it means I forgot the circumstances.
Border Security Idea: Make the door to Mexico too small for sombreros.
To the lady who flipped me off when I honked at you, your phone probably isn’t on top of your car anymore!
I’ve got 11 lava lamps and every time a girl comes back to my place, she leaves almost immediately. I need more. 14 lava lamps.
I’ll bet Medusa never got mosquito bites.
I’m so poor I can’t even pay for my own consequences.
me: that’s my wife susan
him: please pass the salt, ma’am
me: idk she’s pretty lazy
her: [rotates entire table]
me: but strong
Guy at door: How would you like to make a donation to our local orphanage?
Dad: yea sure [yells up to me] son, you live with this guy now!
Found $10 in a pants pocket. It was awkward though because someone was still wearing it.
Tell the Starbucks barista that your name is Voldemort. Watch for those who don’t flinch when the name is called. They will be your allies.
I was tired of my kids asking me to put the same 7 songs on for them 9,000 times a day, so I taught them how to do it themselves.
I am not a smart woman.