Facebook is a minefield of mums saying “Can’t believe this handsome boy is starting year 1!” with pictures like this
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Hey, girl. I noticed you checking out my Hello Kitty socks. Just so you know…the boxers match.
*winks*
Responding to my friends being honest: “Man, I appreciate you.”
Responding to my kids being honest: “Man, can’t you lie about lunch being good just for today??”
They say a dog park is a great place to meet guys.
I don’t have a dog, but I walk around with a bag full of poop so I don’t look weird.
[tv, watching a gymnast eat it on the vault]
Me (tripped over a slipper in the dark once): I know exactly how she feels.
Make sure you lock your car doors so no one steals your half empty water bottles.
Curiosity should start overthrowing the local government and drilling for oil any minute now.
Husband: *Grabs a pillow off the couch* Did we get new pillows?
Me: Uh huh, last year, when we got the new couches
Forced homeschooling has taught me I had way too many kids
Me: I’m a little tea pot short and stout here is my handle here is my—
Wife: *jumping outta bed* it’s too weird
Can’t we all just binge watch season 2022 and get it over with?
me: ever been sued for enamel cruelty?
dentist: how are you talking out your nose
“Why would you want to live in the Matrix instead the richness of reality, doesn’t make any sense,” I mutter as I reach for my phone immediately after waking up.
[1987]
Me: Tell me my future.
Psychic: You’ll have a phone that costs $800.
M: So I’m rich?
P: *a laugh escapes from her nostrils* Nope.
Do robots dream of electric sheep?
Me: Two fingers here.
Son: OK.
M: One in the other hole.
S: Got it.
M: Relax your wrist.
Wife: WHAT ARE YOU TEACHING HIM?
M: Bowling. Chill.
“All my friends at school do not listen to me!”
– My 4yo who doesn’t listen to me
They stopped making ghosts just after the civil war. You’ll never see a ghost with a man bun or hitting a juul
Earth: Sorry, but I love the sun now, and nothing’s going to come between us.
Moon: *throws shade*
Looking for a friend with benefits. Preferably dental.
every time a random fucking website asks if it can send me notifications i imagine a guy i’ve never seen before in my life running out of a building i just walked by and chasing me down the street demanding to know my full name and email address
[resorting to cannibalism]
My GF: we’ve only been out here for 4 hours!!
Me: he would have wanted us to survive
Any bar is a karaoke bar if you’re drunk enough.
Protip: If you refer to yourself as “someone” when explaining something bad that happened, your wife will always know that “someone” is you.
You name it, my mother knows somebody who died of it.
i was just about to start being a good person but then i got mildly inconvenienced
hey can i get an ETA on that this too shall pass?
My life coach traded me.