if your refrigerator’s running i’d take off in the same direction. no time to grab anything just go, run!
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Just lookin for a girl to help me organize my plastic bag drawer.
You know when you use hedge trimmers but can quite get the line straight so keep cutting more and more till there’s not a lot left?
Anyway, 10 now has a short haircut
2025
-All children are named Logan
-The most recent president is a ferret who came in 2nd on the Amazing Race.
-Betty White is still alive
Naked and Afraid but it’s just me, on the couch, wondering if it’s safe to bite into my Hot Pocket
You never really forget how to misquote sayings. It’s like buying a bicycle
How long after the expiration date can you eat chicken. Is it three days? I guess we’re all going to find out together
me: please don’t be mad
getaway driver: what’s wrong
me(left the money in the bank): nothing let’s go
“Whatcha doin’, Phil?”
“Some guy on the internet says he’ll pay fifty bucks a pop for beaver shots.”
My husband ruins every game show by figuring out how much tax the winner will have to pay.
Spider chilling while I’m on the loo: ……
Me:….*shoe ready in hand*
Also me: you’re actually kinda cute
Spider: *shifts uncomfortably*
Me: OH MY GAAWWWDDDD HE’S GONNA KILLLLL MEEEE……!!!!!!!!!!! *throws shoe*
Nice shoes. Where’d you get them?
Him: …
*peeks under bathroom stall*
Did you hear me?
God: [making trees]
Trees: yay
God: [making beavers]
Trees: nonononono
Him: are you an early bird or a night owl?
Me: I’m more of a tired afternoon duck.
I apologise if I offended you.
And if I haven’t yet, just give it time.
I’m pretty sure M. Night Shyamalan is directing 2020.
Being an adult is like watching a foreign movie with no subtitles in a crowded theater, everyone else knows what’s going on and you just nod
A face mask and rubber gloves is all you need to wear when you go to mall they said.
I felt a fool.
Everyone else was wearing clothes.
Sometimes late at night, if you listen real carefully, you can hear parents removing batteries from annoying toys.
There was a time I thought Radiohead was saying “I’m a creep, I’m a widow” and one day I heard someone sing the right word and well, only a freakin’ weirdo would think widow makes sense there, right.
[babies txting]
“my dad’s thumb just came off”
lol wtf 😂
“wait its back on again nvm”
ok lmao
“he just stole my nose”
im phoning the police
Dropping your phone going up the escalator & catching right before it hits, awesome!
The woman in front of you wearing a short dress turning around and thinking you’re trying to take an up shot, not so awesome.
Just got to our Airbnb!
I can feel my cat judging me as I lick the spilt gravy off of her coat.
Why be part of the problem when you can be all of it?
My 8yo told me she wants me to live forever which was sweet until I told her I’d run out of money and she replied “ok nevermind”.
Never judge a married man until you’ve walked on his eggshells.
Nephew has been doing a bit where when he gets on elevators with adults, in an attempt to fit in he’ll say “I didn’t get the promotion”
Your Honor, could we take a recess in this Zoom hearing? I need to break up a cat fight.
Brain: Let’s play a game.
Me: What?
Brain: Remember where you parked before the ice cream melts.
Me: Fuuuuu……
Men love me.
Germs fear me.Or vice versa, whatever