My superhero origin story began when I was bitten by a radioactive sofa.
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Major Tom: This is Major Tom to Ground Control
I’m stepping through the door
& I’m floating in a most peculiar way
GC: New phone. Who dis?
Had my arms full of groceries, struggled to get my front door unlocked, & the door caught the back of my shoe & pulled it right off. I stumbled & dropped my groceries. Shoe stayed stuck outside my door. Worst remake of Cinderella ever.
[Interview]
“Describe yourself in one word.”
Me: Lethargic.
CUSTOMER: [handing me a 20] can I have two 5’s and a 10?
ME: [thinking of the girl who wrote ‘never change’ in my high school yearbook] no
Kill someone with an icecream cone and eat it afterward. They can’t convict with no murder weapon. It’s the perfect crime. Plus, ice cream.
You don’t need to put “narcissist” in your bio.
This is twitter, that shit goes without saying.
always carrying a megaphone in case you have to sigh at someone far away
Ever sit at your desk and your hand automatically reaches for the seatbelt?
Just me? 😬
i’m lonely just not “inventor of the boomerang” lonely
You know when people wear 2 t-shirts at once and they look trendy and it looks really good on them well when I do it people are like “hey did you know you’re wearing two shirts”
my fav thing at work is asking “can i have your name?” to customers. they dont understand, thats mine now. i am damian now. not you. you lost that. you gave it to me.
Not to brag or anything, but I can forget what I’m doing while I’m doing it.
[Star Trek: The Next Generation)
Picard: Why are they firing at us?
Troi [an empath]: I sense hostility.
The mice in my apartment left me a note that said as long as I keep buying store brand graham crackers, there’s no need for traps.
Accidentally put the Ouija board in the monopoly box so now whenever you land on free parking it summons a ninth level demon
You didn’t have to say “he’s a male nurse.” When you said ‘he’ my psychic ability of gender discernment kicked in.
what machine says: do not remove card
what I read: remove card
Apparently my kid got in trouble today for PACKING OUR TOASTER IN HIS BACKPACK and pulling it out at lunch to make pop tarts for his class. I can’t stop laughing.
The dog hair situation became dire and I had to lint-roll my face.
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over
Me: the warrant probably
Officer: you have a broken- what
Me: what
There is no bigger warning of their behavior than my wife calling them, “your kids.”
growing up, my dad had a doctor friend who he would always call instead of taking us to the ER and then i became an adult and realized that the doctor friend was a dermatologist
Saw Paul Rudd trending and thought oh god no has he aged very slightly
[interview]
“Any special talents?”
I can unlock any fingerprint reader
“By hacking?”
[flashes back to hacking off victims’ fingers] Yes
Found 78 cents in the dryer this morning & all I’ve got to say is this family is not making it worth my while.
that’s the thing with this thing, it’s very thingy
My kid is really into Animorphs, so I think he is going to love whatever The Human Centipede is.
6: How do you make a bubble with your gum?
Me: You need to push and stretch it with your tongue and then blow
Him: (opens mouth to speak)
Me: Don’t! I heard myself too.
Parenting is having your kids reject everything you cook, and then watching the 2yo eat a dog treat and ask for another.
HEY UNCLES – KEEP YOUR GODDAMN WIVES UNDER CONTROL