Water leak.
No water for 2 days.
Then the plumber cut the cable line.
No internet.
No TV.
2 stinky teenagers.Send wine and bail money.
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handy tip: if a bigger dude wants to fight you, immediately start crying so people just think you two are breaking up
Once I found there was no popcorn in popcorn chicken there was no reason to try pot roast.
teen drug use & sex are down this year which proves that teens are boring
I don’t sweat Friday13. I’m not superstitious. I just take off to a nice quiet cabin in the woods, slaughter a pack of teenagers, then chill
Obligatory April 25th Meme Tweet 😆
Accountant: So you didn’t have traditional income most of the year but your investments and holdings still earned you $9,000,000
Papa John:
Accountant: 831,000 pizzas. You’ll owe about $2,800,000 in taxes
Papa John: And that’s…
Accountant: *sighs* 258,000 pizzas
The booster protects against what, now?
Pick a card, any card. No, not that one. Not that one, either.
You think you have it rough? I’m playing hangman with a 6yo who can’t spell.
Why do my kids want to be in the bathroom with me? I don’t even want to be in the bathroom with me.
If you think today’s generation spend too much time playing video games, you should see how much time my generation spent just waiting for the games to load.
Me: Let’s go shopping
Him: Let’s stay home
Me: Let’s talk about our feelings
Him: Let’s go shopping
*driving past a house already decorated for Halloween*
6, muttering to himself: why do they have a scarecrow? They don’t even have any crops
Parents,
Have you ever tried to go a whole day just saying yes to everything your kid wants or asks for and if so what time did your house burn down? Was it 10am or earlier?
My youngest son can grow a beard even though his father can’t.
Score 1, for my facial hair producing genes.
“I’ll be back” –Arnold Schwarzenegger as getting into a 2-person horse costume
Nice try, resealable potato chip bags.
As part of our environmental commitment, we recycled* 84 tons of aluminium, 6 tons of rubber, 5 tons of glass and 14 miles of wiring just this morning alone.
*a plane missed the runway
– playing “Is it cake? –
Me, chewing plastic: “It’s pretty good, but I wish it was more moist.”
Quick question guys. Why is my therapist putting on boxing gloves?
just saw a rat running up the street he’s probably late opening his restaurant
50% of raising kids is begging them to use their words.
50% is begging them to be quiet.
Me: *establishes dominance by removing the toilet seat*
Wife: Good move, smart guy. What are you gonna do when you have to….
Me: Shit.
Aww my microbiome fancies some high quality fermented foods does it? A little kombucha perhaps? I don’t give a shit, I’m the megabiome, I do what I want. I’m having a fanta lemon. I’ll swallow coins
I wonder if the woman sitting in front of me at this game knows I can see every sexy text she sends her man as she sits close beside her other man.
Me: my wife says I catastrophize everything
Therapist: *chuckling* how is she doing?
Me: I don’t know she hasn’t returned my texts for over five minutes I think she’s dead
If I could have dinner with anyone, dead and alive, it would definitely be Schrodinger’s cat.
Whoever left me in charge of all this booze is going to have a lot to answer for tomorrow.
A plastic surgery slogan:
Because You Don’t Have A Good Personality Either