“It’s important to remember Snitches get stitches”, I whisper to my 5 year old nephew as my sister asks who drank all of her wine.
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Prayers for my distraught 4yo whose pet leaf just blew away in a gust of wind
If I were a gunslinger I’d bedazzle my holster. The other killers wouldn’t take me seriously, maybe think I’m just packing a glue gun. Big mistake.
GUY: *busts in bleeding* i owe money to some bad dudes you gotta help me
ME: *proudly reaches down and pulls the pennies out of my loafers* you’ve come to the right place
Not to brag or anything, but I scored 4 points on flappy bird before my phone mysteriously flung itself across the room
A boy at church was asked if he knew what the resurrection was. “Yes, and if it lasts more than 4 hours you’re supposed to see a doctor.”
this is my favourite piece of literary criticism of all time
Thanks, baby Jesus, for helping me get that new job instead of helping millions of children find water and food. I know it was a tough call.
When I see a parked car with the stick figure family on it, I move the husband over and put my studly stick figure next to the wife.
Show me where it says it’s illegal for me to screaming “I’m an Aardvark” while running in the middle of the road. That’s what I thought
I woke up with an almighty hangover to the sound of my neighbour mowing his lawn at 8am.
He’ll have to mow round me, I’m not moving.
nobody told me when you make a video game you have to make the whole thing
Womens clothing designers: would you like it skin tight?
Me: uh no
WCD: how about moomoo?
Me: can I have something in between?
WCD: no can do
Not a creature was stirring, not even a… oops never mind, the Aussies are up.
Please, person who just said “libary”, tell me more about what an avid reader you are.
Secretly hoping my ex will call or text one day, just so I can reply, ‘Who’s this?’
my roommate’s been really excited about how well one of her plants has been doing and idk how to tell her it’s a fake plant
Me: Says here you’re a house flipper. So you renovate and resell them, huh?
A tornado: ≋N≋o≋
ME: *does something stupid*
I hope no one saw me do thatALSO ME: *texting all my friends* Listen to what I just did
Kindergartners almost have the best gossip, like my son told me that one of his friends brought EIGHT Oreos for a snack at school but he couldn’t remember the kid’s name
*throws caution to the wind*
*blows right back into face*
We are all just prisoners here of our phone device
If you’re a pilot with a man bun, I’m calling you Top Bun, and you can’t stop me.
HAMMOND: and then I extract the dinosaur blood from the mosquitoes
DR. GRANT: are you gonna use it to clone them?
HAMMOND: *takes sip from trex blood smoothie* use it to what?
WHY IS A GROUP OF SQUIDS NOT A SQUAD
When I walk through automatic doors sometimes I think I’m controlling them with my mind, that’s normal right?
“no gods no masters” = leo
me: [donating body to science]
science: [donates my body to goodwill]
*panicking* 3-3-3-3-3-3-3-3-3
Girl next to me had her bag on the seat, didn’t move it when I politely asked her to so I’ve sat on it…
I told my bosses I needed the day off tomorrow and they said “mom, when we say no, the answer is no.”