[invention of fish net stockings]
fisherman 1: Help! I got caught in the fish net!
fisherman 2: is it just me or is dave looking a little … hot?
fisherman 3: no dave is definitely being hot rn
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My husband just came back from shopping all frisky and I know it’s not me, it’s Home Depot
when there are deer in the woods
Nothing says “high-functioning alcoholic” like being really good at darts.
dentist: the guy in the waiting room says your mother is ugly
patient: he doesn’t even know my mom
dentist: maybe you should punch him in the teeth
You look like a snack:
-way overused
-not specific enough
-not enough affectionate noisesYou look like a moose:
-a very cute moose
-make all the boy moose go HWAAAAH
Grocery store
Me: reach something for me?
Tall guy: sure thing!
Me: I have an itch right under my left shoulder blade.
Me: *holding my hands out* Time to say grace
McDonald’s cashier: No
14: Want to see what I drew today in Spanish?
Me: Why were you drawing in Spanish?
14:
Me:
14: …because I have no idea what my teacher is saying.
Why don’t ants get sick?
Because they have antybodies
69% of people find something dirty in every sentence.
[IT guy on phone]
May I take control of your computer?
Me: *Closes two browsers with 10 Twitter tabs & 2 news sites*
Err… sure.
Getting colagen injections in my lips next week ’cause, you know, ’tis the season to be Jolie.
Got to my dad’s house and he was showing me all the food he has for me to snack on and he goes “and I have a guacamole ball” what’s a guacamole ball you ask? well I will tell you. an avocado. He has an avocado.
6, during a homeschool lesson: Mommy, Grandma says it’s a good thing you didn’t become a teacher…
Me: Well, Grandma’s probably right.
6:…but that you should have done SOMETHING with your life.
Lycra leggings didn’t get me to the gym.
But I choreographed a modern dance trying to peel them off.
God: you’re a giraffe.
Giraffe: yay!
God: you have a very long neck.
Giraffe: so I always know when it’s raining first?
God: uh-sure.
Giraffe: omg I’m a walking weather app!
God: no-
Giraffe: there’s a 10% chance of rain w/55% humidity.
God:
Giraffe: feels like 72 : )
me: our first night as man and wife
bride: you know what that means 😉
me: yep, I can finally show you *pulls mouse from pocket* this
bride: what
me: I dressed him up to look like will ferrel
spouse: why
me: cause I’ve been saving mice elf for marriage
Wife: you are the wind beneath my wings
Me: [spraying air freshener] sorry
4 y/o: What’s your job?
Me: I stay at home, take care of you, clean, cook the food…
4: That sounds boring. Do you want me to fire you?
Sex so good the neighbors make you sandwiches.
Today my youngest has her “preschool graduation,” and oh, how I will try to control my tears*
*of joy that she will be in school full day come fall
Whenever someone mentions rat poison part of me imagines a tiny rodent cover band playing 80s power ballads.
If a group of necrophiliacs ran into group of zombies…who would do the chasing?
Oh, I went there…;)
[Wedding meal]
*taps wine glass until everyone stops talking and I stand up to speak* I need more wine
On behalf of everyone who works in an office, a coal mine, a fast food restaurant, really anywhere, I have decided to make it my mission to find out who coined the phrase “do what you love and you’ll never work a day in your life” and trebuchet them directly into the sun
wow, another wooden ball. would it kill avocado makers to put a different toy in there.
which department at your work thinks they know everything but constantly screws things up and why is I.T.
Does anyone remember that annoying song Barbie Girl by Aqua?
You do now.
every time a random fucking website asks if it can send me notifications i imagine a guy i’ve never seen before in my life running out of a building i just walked by and chasing me down the street demanding to know my full name and email address
Good Morning.