Me: And for my third wish…
Genie: You realize that Little Caesar’s pizza is very affordable, right?
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[ brings ouija board to your grave ]
“Okay, now will you tell me why her number was in your phone?”
*First and last date:
“Wanna see my rain predictin’ knee?”
The lengths my ex will go to in order to make me jealous are astounding. Like getting married and having a kid. IT’S NOT WORKING, JANET
Guy pitching Stuart Little: So this family adopts a kid and the whole story is about the new kid learning what it is to have a family and be loved
Producer: That sounds beautiful
Guy: The new kid is also a rat
Dear trick-or-treaters: Would it kill you to say “thank you” when I hand you a freshly made egg salad sandwich?
I don’t know, but there is something strange in this decoration!😂
Idiom update: “the pot calling the kettle black” is now “the guy from Aerosmith accusing a dude of looking like a lady”
The chip dip i ate with a spoon may not have helped my weight loss, but the diarrhea it gave me sure did.
6 yo son: Who would win a fight between a hippo and a lion?
Me: I dunno, maybe the hippo because he’s big and can stomp?
6: Wrong, the lion has a knife.
I’m trying to pretend these kids aren’t mine, but it’s so hard when they are sitting at the same table as me in this restaurant.
I keep lowering my expectations and you keep limbo-ing underneath them.
ROBOT TEENAGER: I’m grounded?? That’s so unfair! *You’ve* been smoking for years!
ROBOT DAD: How dare y– That is a medical condition!!
Wearing Juicy couture sweatpants takes on entirely different meaning when you have IBS.
Finally shaved my armpits and found the factory reset button
Her: Couldn’t you have picked a better record to beat?
Me: *covered in 13,000 bees* There’s no way this can end badly, Susan.
“HOW” – dyslexic owl
Never forget that your fave celebs are trying to sell you cartoon monkey pictures during a pandemic.
I can fix him.
jane austen understood that nothing is sexier than standing seven feet away from someone, making brief eye contact, and then going home
Nobody:
8: “Mommy! Did you know that cowboys say YEE-HA! and ninjas say HEE-YA!”
You text him, he doesn’t text you back. Obviously he was so excited that you texted that he fainted.
i love horror films but this one with the killer making people stay at their desks after work is next level sick.
I’m pretty confident I can perform this Appendectomy on myself.
Thanks YouTube
I hate it when you turn up to a Klan rally and some other guy is wearing the same dress.
why do boys change into their football tops to just sit in front of the telly to watch the game ahahah a don’t stick a pair a fangs on when am watching the vampire diaries
landlord: i’m raising your rent
me: am i getting more house
Actually the first 38 years of my childhood have been the hardest.
we got a new neighbour and I thought it was taking him weeks to move in but turns out he works for u-haul
Cucumber is 95% water and 100% not donut.
Eggplants do not taste as purple as they look