Answering all my mom’s texts today with lyrics from Gangster’s Paradise.
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*Takes out phone & plays Cindi Lauper’s True Colors as you reach for the last slice of pizza without asking*
health teacher: so, all of our bodies are about 70% water
snowman exchange student: (raises hand)
[breaking up yet another fight]
Me: Why do you always fight with your sisters?
6-year-old: Because I always win.
WIFE: The police are at the front door
ME: *hiding a bag of donuts* Do they look mad?
I swear the Butterfly effect has seriously gone out of control this year.
If someone asks you a question you don’t want to answer just say, “I don’t know. I ran into a sliding glass door and knocked myself out, and now I’m having trouble remembering things.” That will get them off your back for a week.
And then Satan said, “save time ~ respond to her text with a K.”
Him: You’re pretty obnoxious. You know that?
Me: I’m sorry. All I heard was pretty.
my wife loves it when one of the kids prays before dinner and they say “please God i hope this food is good”.
My 7-year-old wrote this joke:
What’s a zombie’s favorite weather?
A brainstorm.I’ve never been more proud.
Hey chicks who wear a buttload of make-up. Don’t borrow someone else’s iPhone to make a call. You leave half of your face on the screen.
Today a man told me I’m “too pretty to work so hard” so I’ve let my boss know & fingers crossed we can all get on the same page here.
Some of these fake tans look like an old Tupperware container that’s had marinara sauce in it.
There is nothing like a little tomato soup to soothe the soul, even if it’s cold, over ice, with a celery stalk and vodka.
Cashier: you’re 8 cents short
Me: it’s only 8 cents can you just let it slide
Cashier: no
Me: *slides cashier 20 dollars* what about now
Everything reminds me of my ex
I could save myself a whole bunch of time if I could just remember to take the cap off of my lip balm before using hand lotion.
When the aliens decide to show up from whatever other dimension they are really from, can they please return all my lost socks and bobby pins, thaanks.
You don’t understand how hard it is to play Dungeons & Dragons when your dragon is gay, fabulous and always protesting violence. It’s hard.
they finally got him. they got macavity
‘You have a PhD!’ I whisper encouragingly to myself as I creep, terrified, towards the spider [I don’t, but the spider doesn’t know this]
my kid can’t remember where her shoes are but remembers that 13 months ago i said maybe i would take her to see micky mouse for her fifth birthday which is of course in two weeks and of course we are not going
[feudal japan]
ME: we are disgraced! we must commit sudokuOTHER SAMURAI: *disemboweling himself* it’s called seppuku
ME: *sharpening pencil* you do you buddy
Gave myself a steam facial* today
*opened a bag of freshly popped popcorn too close to my face
[first day of creation]
GOD: *stuck in traffic* oh no I’m not gonna make the light
police: what are your names?
caspar: don’t tell em, linhardt!
police: so, linhardt…
linhardt: nice one, caspar
police: and caspar…
Me: I’m not cleaning that up
Clifford the Big Red Dog: you have to
While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!
My 8yo’s looking for a summer job. He’s a pretty decent bartender if anyone’s hiring.