I have this awesome app that shows me what I would look like as a fat person. It’s called Camera.
You Might Also Like
*opens a bag of popcorn at your intervention*
My daughter now associates height with age and refuses to believe I could be older than someone that’s 5’5”
”This is my last chance” I whisper to myself, as we sit on the couch cuddling and I stare at that one slice of pizza left in the box
WIFE: My favorite jeans are too tight now.
ME: That sucks.
WIFE: You must have shrunk them in the wash.
ME: But, they weren’t even in the laun-
WIFE: …
ME: You’re right, I’m sorry.
When tragedy strikes your community, McDonald’s will still be there to take your money.
*First day as a spy
Boss: Did you bug the Russian Embassy?
Me:Oh yes.At Russian Embassy:
“Boris, where did all these damn ants come from?”
Every morning when my husband gets up for work I whisper, “You can just leave your money on the nightstand.” He doesn’t find it nearly as funny as I do.
ME: I don’t know if I’m ready for this…emotionally.
CHIPOTLE EMPLOYEE: You have to order something or get out of the line.
“don’t tell your girl”
me to my girl : and she said i shouldn’t tell you imagine
*text message*
Cat: Slave, I’m missing a box. I had 2 & now I have 1. I blame the dogs. Find it.
Me: but I’m at work.
Cat: find it.
Firing squad leader: Any last words?
Me: I’d like to thank my arms for always being by my side haha
Firing squad leader: ok we’re gonna somehow try to kill you twice
Sir. Your burrito is $5.97. With guacamole, your total comes to $386,932.32
My wife is still mad about the time I seductively went under the covers…slid off the end of the bed…and then army crawled out of the bedroom.
I just want everyone to know my daughter is a monster. She is dipping french fries in honey mustard. I have failed as a mother.
nobody:
ppl with clear cases:
I see your baker’s dozen and raise you a mom’s dozen (11 because you ate one when the kids weren’t looking)
*asks family what they want from the grocery, no one says a word*
{in checkout lane}
*receives 4 separate food request texts from family*
4: When can I wear 13 shirts?
Me: When you live in NYC and get in an argument with your roommate and decide to put on all of his clothes
“The rules are quite simple, Mr Bond: I think of a word, you guess letters in that word. If you guess wrong I draw a picture a man hanging.”
White Walkers need coffee too #WinterIsHere
January 2020: New year, new me.
May 2020: *primal scream*
Horrifying if literal: foot locker
Me: lord give me a sign
Lord: *gives me a sign*
Me: no, give me a sign I like
Whenever I put on makeup, I do a sign of the cross on my forehead with my foundation and I’ll tell myself “Bless this mess.”
I do not hit my children. However, I do text them in complete sentences with capitalization and punctuation, which is apparently equally aggressive.
your body is a ghost factory that takes one lifetime to produce a ghost
No time to explain, I need 300 copies of this cat!
*throws cat at Kinko’s employee
[shapes strands of hair from the drain to form a love letter on the shower wall]
stop slamming the toilet seat in the middle of the night or I will murder you
If you took the Facebook IQ Test and it determined you’re a Genius, the fact that you participated in a Facebook test negates the results.
Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And I’m terrible with decisions, so I went home.