Instacart: We are out of soap, would you like this substitute item?
Energy bar
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You know you’ve leveled up after quarantine when your kid’s friends hear your fire alarm blaring through their headsets and say, “it’s ok, his mom’s just making dinner.”
Can’t, my 1yo is taking me rock tasting
[bed]
M: “I’m freezing.”
H: *rolls over, adjusts pillows and blankets, wraps around me*
[1 min later]
M: “I’m hot, get off me.”
The bad news is, I accidentally took the wrong medications this morning
The good news: Guess who is now protected from fleas and heartworms for the next 3 months?
[bald eagles exchanging gifts]
*holds out gift*
You didn’t get me a toupee again, did you?
-Uhh…
*slowly pulls gift back*
If you die during a game of Duck Duck Goose, you become a victim of fowl play.
My glasses are dirty but I don’t want to move from the couch so I guess TV’s blurry from now on
Took a poop without my phone. Had no idea what to do with my hands. Did the Macarena. What a day.
my roofing company has gone bankrupt. I kept saying “this one’s on the house” every time I finished a roof, how could i be so stupid
Nasal rinses are great bc they clear your sinuses and also let you feel like you’re jumping into a pool without the pool.
Me: this meeting could’ve been an email.
Also me: (gets an email) Goddammit.
I would never drink and drive. I did drink and fight a swan once. Would not recommend.
“Shake your money maker”
Me: *bangs head repeatedly against the desk*
When it rains, are ducks like OMG my home is falling on me
Therapist: Talk about your friends.
Me: Now John at the bar is a friend of mine…
T: That’s a Billy Joel song.
Me: You’re no fun.
I went out last night and my husband put the 3yo and the baby to bed by himself, which neither of us has done alone yet. I got home and everyone was asleep and he was so calm, and I was like “Wow I’m so glad it well went!” and he was like “oh no, it went terribly.” 😂
They grow up so quick
Normal stickers: I peel off easy.
Stickers on things you buy: lol stop it that tickles.
Anyone who says living well is the best revenge has clearly never relocated a bat colony while their enemy was at work.
When people show me pictures of their kids I show them pictures of my exes. If I have to look at their mistakes, they have to look at mine.
A lot of people ask me “why do you lie about the high number of people asking you things?”
Oh crap, this isn’t what I ordered… who has my foot-long sub?
[taking my date for a walk in the woods]
HER: this sure is a dense forest
ME [trying to impress]: yeah it’s dumb as hell
Don’t be mean to people. With the way the economy is going, you might have to eat those people and your anger is just going to make their meat all stressed out and stringy. Choose love.
it sucks that the 2020 election’s approach of both candidates offering us competing stimulus checks has vanished. please bring that back. please bribe us with money.
doctor: describe your average night
me: they wear suits of armor
doctor: no I mean at bedtime
me: they probably take it off
*somehow manages to beep at you sarcastically*
I didn’t survive various alcohol poisoning events in the 90’s just to get taken out by a virus
My mom always says if I get tattoos now they’ll look ridiculous when I’m old which is why i’m waiting till i turn 90 to get my first one