*Pushing the unlock button on my car key as I approach the front door to my house
Nah, I ain’t distracted.
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Him: You’re pretty saucy
Me: *wiping face quickly
But this spaghetti is soo good
Adulting so well today. Managed to make the bed while i was still in it.
Now to figure out how to get out, without messing it up.
My doctor’s office scheduled my appointment 6 months from now and asked me if that’s good.
I don’t know what I’m doing 2 hours from now, but sure.
My daughter said, “You’re the best mommy ever!”
I’m really proud that she’s learning sarcasm at such a young age.
interviewer: what are your strengths
me: when i was little i drew a picture of a beer so good my mom put it in the refrigerator and an hour later she tried to drink it
interviewer: what about weaknesses
me: my mom’s a mess
Never underestimate the power of karate to save a marriage.
That day I took a photo of a ghost builder on their way to work carrying their hard hat.
Bank Teller: Ma’am, this is a regular bank, not a blood bank. Please stop trying to give me your blood
Me: Oh this isn’t mine
Sliding my tongue in every hole not breaking eye contact with deli clerk is why they kicked me out & won’t let me buy Swiss cheese anymore.
I can’t believe I have to say this every year. Don’t share lip balm, you guys. That’s how the dry skin spreads.
“What if I took the dumbest person I know, got them severely drunk, and challenged them to finish my sentences?” — inventor of Autocorrect
Whoa there, pregnancy test. You just tell us yes or no and we’ll decide if it’s positive or negative.
I don’t care how much it rains, I’m not getting on a sex animal boat with a guy named Noah.
Nothing strikes fear in the heart of a parent like finding a container of glitter sitting on a table…with the cap off
Since Monopoly replaced its tiny iron, the talking mice in my walls now all have wrinkled shirts.
In the original fairy tale Goldilocks also reads all their diaries.
*brings a gun to a knife fight*
*brings a gun to a pillow fight*
*brings a gun to a food fight*
who keeps inviting this guy
When I screwed up at age 9, my mom told me to “think about what you’ve done wrong” and I’ve pretty much never stopped
Snakes are refusing to fly on Boeing Max planes.
ASSISTANT: so what dimensions do the doors, hinges, walls, and locks need to be so that it all fits?
GUY WHO INVENTED PUBLIC BATHROOM STALLS: can’t stress how unimportant that part is
My wife just got the bar tab and yelled “Oh my god.” That can’t be good.
Them: You look tired.
Me: *punches them in their face* Well, you look injured.
My 4yo picked up a toy and put it away without being asked, and I just stared at her like she was a woodland animal I didn’t want to scare.
I have a huge advantage in Wordle because I have had the alphabet memorized for over 10 years.
Took our kids to a restaurant again because we never learn our lesson.
[paleontology class]
PROFESSOR: can anyone tell me the period in which dinosaurs went extinct?
STUDENT: uh the Jurassic?
PROFESSOR: bingo!
STUDENT: *smug look*
PROFESSOR: *marking paper* I just finished my dumb answers bingo, it was the Cretaceous
Me, to the fellas: Load up. We getting magical tonight.
Jesus: so just a dinner with the boys?
Judas:
[breakfast table]
Me: Who killed the entire box of Lucky Charms?
8: Not me
9: Not me
CEREAL KILLER: Not me either
why am I working on Labor Day