when you’re jamming to an old-school r&b song and someone older than you ask “what you know about this?”
me:
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Good cop: If you just let us know where the body is, we’ll let you go
Bad Batman: Ben Affleck
127 HOURS but me trying to get my hand out of the Pringles can
In 1979, a call coming from inside the house was a reason for terror.
In 2014, it means one of you is too lazy to shout or come downstairs.
My boys from the living room:
“I’m telling mom!”
Me from the bedroom:
“don’t come tell mom shit!”
My 4yo picked up a toy and put it away without being asked, and I just stared at her like she was a woodland animal I didn’t want to scare.
The first thing you’ll need if you’re planning on stealing an ostrich from the zoo is a car with a sunroof
Cop: how long will it take you to hack into the kidnapper’s computer?
Me: idk, two, three hours?
Cop: you have fifteen minutes
Me: then the kid’s gonna die dude
Cop:
Me: I mean you really should have called me sooner
Today I cleared cache and deleted cookies without making nom nom nom cookie monster noises. Because I’m a grown up.
Jk. SNACK TIME! NOM NOM NOM
Person: “I can’t believe I’ve been sitting for two hours.”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “Amateur.”
*exits the van with a bag of candy and a new puppy*
I expected that to go differently
Me (as bridesmaid):
*up at alter holding bouquet*
WAIT! STOP THE WEDDING!Priest: *stops talking*
Me: *runs down aisle and out of the church to catch ice cream truck*
My kid just looked at a random speaker and said, “Alexa! Oh wait, that’s not your name,” and then walked away as if nothing happened.
Them: You’re burnt out.
Me: Yes.T: You need a break
M: Yes.T: I’m worried.
M: Okay. Will you watch my kids for a minute?T: Hell no.
[ first day as job recruiter ]
me: {on phone} i have a job at a bank for your wife
him: teller?
me: yes that’s why I’m calling
If you skip away from a crime they’ll never suspect you.
At a wedding during the vows, the little flower girl yells out “When is this over?”
She gets it..
If anyone ever saw me trying to zip up my jacket I’m pretty sure they’d make me repeat third grade.
[butterfly residence]
WIFE: You said you’d change, Carl
HUSBAND: But I have
WIFE: Not really
HUSBAND: Uh…I used to be a fricken caterpillar
Björk is probably my favorite singer named after the sound a dodgeball makes
The Face ID on my phone doesn’t recognise me when I’m smiling. It does, however, recognise me when I have a mouthful of food.
-Hello, RSPCA.
-Hello. There’s a polecat clinging to my ceiling fan.
-I don’t believe you.
-Well you’ll have to take my whirred ferret.
Condensed milk is from dwarf cows
hot girl doing pouty lips: wow she is so sexy
me doing pouty lips: are…are you going to puke, you have to tell me if you’re going to puke
Ok who decided there’s no plural for certain words? Wtf did sheep and pasta do to deserve such disrespect!
My wife always accuses me of having a favourite child. It’s not true, I love Matthew and Not-Matthew equally.
The way I dealt with that unexpected cobweb to the face tells me I probably wouldn’t have been much use in Vietnam.
“Everything hurts and I’m always exhausted.”
WebMD: Parenthood
The difference between a turtle and a tortoise is the tortoise chose to race a hare and the turtle became a Ninja.
Have kids they said, they definitely won’t lose your right AirPod in the yard and run it over with the lawn mower they said.
I may not look good naked, but I’m a beautiful person on the insi….
Hahahaha just kidding
I look great naked