“Our guests often come for a week but stay for months.”
– The cruise industry, putting a positive spin on Covid-19.
You Might Also Like
My kid just used the phrase “a perfect circle of parmesean cheese” when talking to his friends and I don’t care if he’s cooking or summoning a cheese demon, whatever he’s doing I must be a part of it.
I get it, rotisserie chicken.
I hate it when people stare at me too
Seriously you guys, the only reason to check Facebook, is to find out where people are going, and then go somewhere else.
Bad hair day 429: I no longer look as though I’ve been electrocuted, but the birds, so, so many birds
I found eleven dollars in the dryer this morning and spent the rest of my day interviewing investment advisors.
1 year ago today, the world ended. RIP everyone.
DOG COP: sir, you ran a gray light
DOG DRIVER: it was gray!
COP: no, it was gray!
DRIVER: gray!
COP: *starts barking*
DRIVER: *barking*
One of Santas reindeer served in the army with Tina Turner. Back then he was known as Private Dancer.
“He’s probably more afraid of you than you are of him,” I say, as a kodiak bear mauls my friend Jeff.
some of you youths are gonna be real disappointed when u discover that turning 30 just means you still have all the same weird interests but can’t turn your head all the way to the left anymore
dating me is like dating a golden retriever cuz u will be picking blonde hair off u all day and i get way too excited about everything
Tried to touch my husband’s face and he tattled on me to his mother.
Welcome to your 40s. When you’re hungry your stomach sounds like a storm coming in.
i just got a letter from my prison pen pal saying that he wants me to send him a live shark for his birthday
Me: my grandfather was George Washington
Date: don’t you mean your great great great great great great grandfather
Me: i mean he was okay
ME: (peeing in the corner of the elevator)
GUY: We’re not even stuck.
So, it’s OK if Robert Plant says “I’m gonna give you my love”, but I say it once and have to see HR?
It’s not like I knew my fly was open!
Nobody:
Baby Carrot Factory Foreman: “Carrots are nice, but how about we pour a cup of water into each bag too?”
My favourite part about playing video games is probably thwarting evil. You never get to thwart anything in real life. I like to thwart.
GF: every time we fight you start interpretive dancing
*i dance beautifully for 12 minutes*
GF: I DONT KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS!
My wife’s tweezers were missing the other day, she finally found them near a fly with no wings, I don’t know how that happened.
Me: oh hey cute kid, she looks just like you!
Her:
Her: I am the nanny
Some jerk called me “pretentious” so I called him a “planktupus.” I can make up nonsense words too.
H: The house is empty, why don’t you go and slip into something more comfortable?
Me: great idea *comes back wearing fuzzy penguin pajamas*
Interviewer: This isn’t a glamorous position.
Me: I understand. I’m willing to do anything.I: We expect you to arrive before sunrise.
Me: No problem.I: Carry 50lb bags of grain.
Me: I’m your girl.I: Muck the stalls.
Me: Of course.I: Answer the phone —
Me: I’m out.
Just heard a lady tell a 4yo to “get it together!” I’m not sure she knows how 4yos work.
Hang in there, you can do it.
-Canadian bathroom graffiti
“Then it’s agreed. We’ll meet back in this same place in 10 years.” -Me to some dishes in my sink
The Last Dance just keeps getting better
*about to die*
Me: AAAAAAHHHH!!
*life flashes before my eyes*
Me: Oh, right.