Me: “I just want a girl who likes Star Wars as much as me.”
Hot girl: “I like Star Wars”
Me: “Oh yeah? Name all 3 security guards I blew to get my own private tour of the Starship Enterprise!”
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“We had unprotected sex. Give us a present.” — the subtext of every baby shower
Me: THE CAKE IS TAKING TOO LONG
Priest: it’s objections to the marriage, specifically
Three boxes of the same cereal in the pantry are a sign I should consider using a shopping list at the supermarket rather than just winging it.
her: what’s this writing on your hand
me: I was cheating on an exam
her: it just says “hand”
me: yeah it was an anatomy exam
Pro Tip: don’t buy cheap duct tape. Your basement guests can chew right through that.
*steps out of the time machine* Me: what year is this?
Wife: Stop playing with the washing machine.
“Never Gonna Give You Up” came on the radio & my 6yo confidently said, “I know who sings this!” Believing I had taught him well, my proud moment lasted 2 seconds until my son revealed his answer of Yung Gravy.
If you bake, you’re a baker.
If you bake a baker, you’re a murderer.
I hate when I’m on the treadmill and my hand accidentally hits the stop button & I have to get off and eat a bacon grilled cheese sandwich.
My Sherpa girlfriend is too high-mountainance.
You know what? If Argentina wants to cry for me, I’m okay with that.
watching annie with the kids and now they want me to put them in an orphanage so a wealthy person can adopt them
I returned my 3D printer, but not before making a 3D printer with it.
The reason I switched from a backpack to a messenger bag is so that I look more classy and professional carrying nothing but snacks to work.
December birthdays be like…
“To hell with it, thats good enough.” – every person after theyve ever tried to iron a shirt. Ever.
I’m going to start calling it “Auto Carrot” just so it can see how it feels.
What doesn’t kill a grammar nazi makes me wronger.
It says “Keep away from children” on the bottle of my anxiety pills.
If I had taken that advice, I wouldn’t need the pills.
Ffs laughed out loud 😂
ME: I was left in the woods as a baby.
DATE: So, were you raised by wolves?
ME: Not exactly. *gnaws a tree in half*
2020 was like “I know a place” … and took us to hell.
Re-reading Wuthering Heights is a great reminder that 150 years ago, if you, say, sprained an ankle at a neighbor’s house, you just lived there for five weeks until it healed.
Guy pitching Stuart Little: So this family adopts a kid and the whole story is about the new kid learning what it is to have a family and be loved
Producer: That sounds beautiful
Guy: The new kid is also a rat
I like to go to zen gardens and shout at things.
What she said: Honey, I have this GREAT idea.
What I heard: Honey, I have this EXPENSIVE idea.
My dentist calls himself the “tooth guy” because he’s fun and laid back and unlicensed.
Iron Man: I’ll hack into their security.
Hulk: HULK SMASH DOOR!
Thor: I’ll silence their guards.
Captain America: What’s a microwave?
As I sit in this coffee shop practicing for my Sign Language final it occurs to me, all of these people probably think that I’m talking to myself.
SURGEON: I’m afraid that your Grandma is very critical
ME: Oh no
SURGEON: She *starts to tear up* she said I have a stupid haircut