If Jesus loves me how come he’s never liked a single one of my instagram selfies
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[first day as a police sketch artist]
Victim: Why is there a meerkat in the picture?
Me: I used to do this at the zoo
[Infomercial for Parachutes]
“Has this ever happened to you?” *showing footage of a man getting thrown off a building, screaming*
No Grandma, a brothel is not a soup kitchen.
Just in case to be clear #gbbo
interviewer: this part of your resume just says “entrepreneurial spirit”?
me: [remembering my get-rich-quick scheme of catching rats in the street and trying to return them to the pet store] it was an idea ahead of its time
I love when the Uber driver is overly prepared with water bottles, chargers, asks about temperature and music preferences, etc., then drives how a deer walks after being born
Hero: A space monster. I’m gonna blast it!
Scientest: No! We must capture it and bring it back to Earth for science.
Science: I don’t need any space monsters. Go ahead and blast it.
This forest scent air freshener is really working. Three elk have moved into my living room.
DAREDEVIL: When I went blind, other senses sharpened to compensate for the loss.
*licks a doorknob*
He died doing what he loved
smelling things underwater
This video of a hamster riding a mini moped has been on repeat since I seen it lol
Lol.. The Parrot is sticking to the code and won’t talk… Lol… I’m done.
Freaky Friday 2:
The mom and daughter switch bodies again
The mom doesn’t go back
She keeps stealing children’s bodies
She lives forever
I can’t stop fantasizing about gently, lovingly braiding a squid
I was playing outside with my kids and I tried to jump over something because I forgot I’m 40 anyways who wants to sign my cast?
I had 13 items in the 12 items or less line, so I just put a banana in my pocket.
In every single case, the Scooby Doo gang discover a human is behind the mystery, not ghosts or mummies or whatever. Yet they start each new case believing the villain is a supernatural being. Every time. Not once do they say “maybe it’s an old man like last time”
My Fitbit’s “SmartTrack” auto-recognized my riding lawn mower as a bicycle and congratulated me for burning 156 calories ipso facto I earned this ice cream
*finds a sock behind the washing machine*
*plays loud dramatic romantic music as I reunite two socks*
Son: what are electric eels?
Me: eels but electric
Son: are there other electric animals?
Me, looking at the cat & the toaster: not yet
Interviewer : What are your expectations?
Me : Job.
Interviewer : I mean what do you want from this job?
Me : Salary
If two pieces of pizza share the same pepperoni that is one piece of pizza. Don’t let anybody tell you differently
#WhenIWasYourAge: We had to open all doors by ourselves. None of them knew we were coming.
How dare my wife accuse me of not helping her at home when I washed the dishes without her asking, just 6 months ago.
You can tell a dad’s age by counting the number of hours he arrives early to the airport for a flight.
Had a nightmare I’d gone blond and woke up with yellow hair. Turns out if you dye in your dreams…
I once worked with a girl named Brittanica…she was a bit aloof though I didn’t really know how to read her
“There are a lot of dead bodies, but it’s okay because they look more like ham.”
-my daughter describing her video game
Friend: What do you get when you cross a dog with a rose? A Collie flower!
Me: Choose how you want to die.