I sold the armchair I had in my room and now I have nowhere to put my clean laundry and stare at it for 8 days??
You Might Also Like
Boss: who wants to practice public speaking?
Me: can I go?
Boss: of course.
Me: [goes home]
[Snow White meets Seven Dwarfs]
SNOW WHITE: Why is your name Bashful?
BASHFUL: [recalling when he bashed in the 8th dwarf’s skull] No reason
*puts eight small cups of urine on the nurse’s station*
Nurse: We only need one.
*puts seven small cups of urine in my purse*
Hoping to get “till death do us part” reduced to a 15 year sentence and time served.
Whoever made the almond-milk carton the exact same shape as the chicken-broth carton should have to eat this cereal.
Artist: I love painting you. Times are tough.
Model: Are you a starving artist?
Artist: Kinda. *continues brushing butter on model*
microdosing lsd to gain a creative advantage at my job as a subway sandwich artist
The British Museum will take anything but jokes.
I guess if Porky Pig wants to flash someone, he just takes off his bowtie?
Next time I open up to somebody it will be an autopsy.
I dated a woman once.
Most confusing twenty minutes of my life.
[Entering a dark forest]
“Listen. That’s the banshee wailing. One of us may not make it home alive.”
“Keening.”
“What?”
“Banshees keen.”
“You go first.”
“Dammit.”
[son sees me sleeping outside]
son: did you call mom the n word again
me: but she IS a nagger
Snakes, cats, madagascar cockroaches, and my daughter all hiss when they’re angry. This seems like the form of self-care I’m missing.
Whenever I leave a fancy restaurant I tell the people coming in “I recommend the squirrel”.
SHE has the mouth of a sailor…
…that recently retired & started a new career as a trucker.
Allah? Oh shit. I’ve been praying to Alan
I love baby boomers who say “kids don’t even know how to write cursive” in a negative way like ok grandma you can’t even turn your laptop on without getting 6 viruses and wiring half your retirement money to a Nigerian Prince
People overlook Dracula’s positive attributes. In his bat form, he eats mosquitoes and other unwanted backyard insects.
Lesser known historical fact: Abraham Lincoln’s hat was so tall because he kept an upright Chipotle burrito in there
A “Mouse potato” is someone who spends a lot of time at a computer.
Welcome to middle age. The hair on your head is fragile and falls out. The hair on your chin could reel in a shark.
ok wow… unfollowing now. was a big fan of their music but i was not aware they were using it to lure sailors to a watery grave by dashing their ships against the rocky coast of their island
Cop: Why did you burn that building down?
Me: Because they keep sending emails after unsubscribing.
Cop: You’re free to go.
cop: do you know how fast you were going?
me: kinda feel like that’s your job buddy
If I ever start with ‘this one time I went jogging…..’
I am not telling the truth.
UK, 2019 – “FREE BROADBAND FOR ALL”
UK, 2020 –
There’s nothing funnier than a grown man aggressively dancing at somebody.
It’s kind of funny how so many people think that being gay is a choice but being fat isn’t
Hot pies in your area want you to snatch them off the windowsill