*comes home drunk
*sleeps on floor
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Left my fiancé at the altar. The relationship is over, but the human sacrifice went perfectly
By 35 you should have returned to your childhood home to discover the ancient evil you and your friends thought you’d defeated when you were all 12 has risen again, say retirement experts.
[hosting a kids show]
ME: ok everybody, what time is it?? say it loud!!
KIDS: OWL! TOUCHING! TIME!
[camera zooms in on a startled barn owl]
<enter password>
chicken
<password is weak>
chickensoup
<password is feeling a little better>
If the final episode of Game of Thrones doesn’t feature a group hug with everyone singing “Kumbaya,” then I don’t know what I’m talking about.
Control this is astronaut Douglas sending transmission from the Milky Way..we have no signs of chocolate..or caramel..I’d like to come home
Piracy is killing the music industry. You just try playing the guitar with a hook and a patch over your eye.
[After 1 beer]
just gonna chill in this bar tonight[After 5 beers]
put me down for Summer Lovin’ on karaoke, I will sing both parts
BATMAN: *struggling to escape from chains*
RIDDLER: Not so fast, Caped Crusader! You have to solve my riddle first! *sneaking a look at his son’s math textbook* If one train leaves Pittsburgh at 8am traveling at 65mph…
[God inventing snakes]
What about a scarf that could kill you?
My son was so excited to get a text from his beloved mama, he responded only eight hours later with a heartfelt “aight.”
[phone rings]
“Is your refrigerator running?”
*looks over at fridge holding a lighter up to a spoon*
“I don’t know what he’s doing anymore.”
No way!
I’d like to visit the Grand Canyon again, but this time – there’s no way I’m going down on a donkey
[cavemen, having discovered fire, tentatively placing part of an animal carcass above the flames]
[my mother, suddenly appearing out of a time machine] You know you can do that just as easily in the air fryer.
– much ado about nothing
– 2 much 2 nothing
– much ado 3: toyko drift
– much nothing
– much 5
– much ado 6
– nothing 7
He walked across the parking area explaining, “I’m going through a lot”
Jeff is here!
“Jeff from work or Jeff the guy who announces his arrival anytime he enters a room”
Jeff is here!
Delightful if true: booby trap.
there is no need for awkward apologies if you walk in on someone and they’re naked, just say “haha saw your doodle” and walk off. simples
Maybe I’m the good kind of fat like an avocado.
Don’t make eye contact
Don’t make eye contact
Don’t make eye contact“Would you like to buy some girl scout cookies?”
SURE!
…bringing the total amount of cookies to 348
Losing your phone is the adult version of having your balloon fly away.
I accidentally asked for a “large” coffee at Starbucks and some kid standing behind me swallowed his vape pen.
10yo: How do you make a math book happy?
Me: IDK. How?
10yo: Solve the problems.
Someone give her a Dad Card. She’s ready.
Me: I thought you were going to read.
10-year-old: I am.
Me: You’re watching a movie.
10: I got it from the library.
Checkmate.
STEPS TO FOLD A FITTED SHEET
1) PUT SHEET ON BED
2) FOLD BED
Woke up this morning and the alarm clock was laughing at me….then I realized it was upside down and the time was 7:07
My husband pays me the highest compliments. Like “WOW! Look at you. You’re dressed.”
I hate everyone in front of me in this traffic jam, everyone behind me is cool.