just gave my 5yo power of attorney
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I was wondering why I wasn’t picking up any chicks recently, but then I realized my Monster energy sticker fell off my car
ER Dr: What are you doing?
Me: I’m decorating.
ER Dr: Why?
Me: According to my bill I live here now.
Two guys named Noodles and Pancakes are fighting right now.
I will never quit you, Twitter.
Coral is stupid in my opinion. You’re a rock that can die? Sounds like the worst of both worlds but “you do you”
THEM: eat shit and die
ME: well, if nobody else wants any
Nurse – “OK we are gonna start you on the scale”
Me – “You know what maybe I’m not so sick after all, *pulls knife put of leg*
I tell people my parents are divorced, but technically we lost my mom in a corn maze
saying “james?” to my mom when i open her car door so people think it’s an uber
by this time next year, Ariana Grande’s eyelashes will be so long that male peacocks will challenge her for dominance
The loudest noise a child can make from another room is silence
I love how this restaurant keeps a fish tank by the front entrance so I can just reach my hand in and eat a fish on the way out for free.
My husband surprised me by inviting his new boss and wife for dinner so I surprised them with an icebreaker of mocktails and Cards Against Humanity
Though he came from a long line of spoons, Sammy Spork always noticed a slight resemblance to Mom’s friend Frank, the fork living next door.
For my morning walk, I’m not blasting music into my brain. You are not going to hear anything more lovely them the way the birds sound today and also I can’t get my earbuds to work.
He said he likes curvy women and what my man wants, my man gets
*eats 14th Oreo cookie*
I would have got the Google Glass but I don’t have $1500 or any desire to strap the internet to my face.
PROCTOLOGIST: *removes thermometer* ok this isn’t good
ME: what
PROCTOLOGIST: it’s not the one I put in there
[walks into aquarium]
me: hi can I just use your bathroom?
employee: sorry it’s for patrons only
me: ok fine I’ll take four sharks
Server: Would you like to try our new bacon-wrapped…
Me: YES!
What happens in Vegas shows up on your credit card statement the following month.
Was reminded yesterday that this exists so I’m dusting it off
My GF left me because she said I lied about stupid things. I was so upset I ate a car park 🙁
[pet store]
COP: someone’s been stealing puppies
OWNER: OMG now I’m missing another one
ME: who would do such a thing *shirt starts barking*
The only downside of hiring a maid is having to thoroughly clean the whole house the night before she comes so she “doesn’t think the place is a mess.”
“I like green peppers, but they don’t like me anymore haha.”
They never liked you. They don’t have feelings because they’re food, Barbara.
I’m watching TV with close captioning on for the same reason a lot of people of a certain age do, because I’m eating chips.
KID: *is crying over school drama*
ME: Don’t worry, kid. All this anxiety and insecurity will diminish as you get older-
KID: *smiles hopefully up at me*
ME: and turn into an ominous fear that’ll follow you to the grave.
Please stop saying that a problem is a “real pickle.” Pickles are delicious, store well, and have zero calories. You are a problem. Pickles are fine.
is it considered a threesome if i jack off with both hands?