Wow! It’s hard to believe summer is just around the corner and that seasons have corners.
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My favourite school memory?
One time we were talking about different olive oils and the teacher asked what does extra virgin mean and everyone turned to look at me.
fellas is it cheating to call people by their names
*stands in front yard, hands on hips, giving each autumn leaf that falls on my lawn a stern, disapproving look*
Sometimes when I get a retweet… I blow on my phone, twirl it and slide it into my belt holster, then ride off into the sunset like a dork.
Do we want 2020 to turn 21 and be able to drink?
For this recipe gently massage the bird like you’re thinking of ending things but want to stay friends.
*stares into wormhole*
Whoa man, cool.
*gets slapped by worm*
Pervert!
*worm wiggles away*
Start yelling “DON’T FORGET!” when saying goodbye to people so that they panic about what they’re supposed to be remembering
Me: What do you want for Christmas?
Wife: Nothing would make me happier than a new car.
Me: Well if you’re sure. Nothing it is.
i did it God! i finaly got 2 of evry animal
NOAH.THEY HAVE TO BE ALIVE
*noah looks at boat full of dead animals*
do u kno how long this took
I will judge you by how much dust is on your ceiling fan
Remember, if you get dumped, it’s only because they’re looking for someone sexier and more attractive. It has NOTHING to do with you.
I had my year-end evaluation and it went like “You have great substantive legal skills, but you don’t come into the office enough and you don’t attend social events and you don’t regularly answer emails on weekends.” Yes, precisely.
anyone who doesn’t have a crush on me is wrong but also anyone who DOES have a crush on me is wrong too. confusing, i know!
Opened closet in hotel to check for murderers while simultaneously realizing I was unprepared should one be in there.
[town square in a thunderstorm]
Galileo: Thunderbolt and lightning very very frightening me.
His mom: Gallileo! Galileo!
Galileo Figaro!! *hands him an umbrellaGalileo: magnifico!! *gets big hug from mom*
Galileo: mama mia, mama mia let me go *looking around embarrassed*
her: [during roleplay] come get me
me: [struggling to get up with my ninja turtle shell on] no you get me
kidnapper: we have your son
dad: oh my god let me talk to him
kidnapper: very well
dad: listen son money doesn’t grow on trees
ME: I’m a smart person who learns from my mistakes.
ALSO ME LITERALLY EVERY MORNING: *Brushes too far back on my tongue and almost throws up a little*
If a picture is worth a thousand words then why does everyone only buy Playboy magazine for the articles?
The east coast is experiencing a “Snowpocalypse” or as Canada calls it “Monday”
So what happens to the pizza at the end of a porn film?
the short answer to this question
If a neighbor rolls up in a golf cart to your new house, he’s either the really fun neighbor or he’s your new HOA overlord.
MAGICIAN: Think of a number, any number.
ME: *thinks for a bit* …k
MAGICIAN: That is a letter.
ME: omg ur right
DATE: so this is my dad and this is his porcelain cat collection
ME: wow, I feel like I’m in a
DATE: no
ME: mewseum
DAD: *nods his approval*
A coworker just asked me how I stay so thin so I responded “I don’t post pictures of my food online” and I think she believed me.
My kid just ended a call with his teacher by saying “this call has been going on a bit too long bye” and honestly, goals.
Marriage Counsellor: last week I asked you to come up with 3 things you love about each other.
Me: I need an extension.