[neil degrasse tyson voice] the film is called Home Alone but thats actually a misnomer. in fact, kevin was joined in his home by 2 burglars
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*walks up to bouncer*
“sorry pal, this is a private country club”
*peeks inside*
[everybody’s fist pumping hard as heck to kenny chesney]
[at the dentist]
him: come and lie on the chair
me: ok
him: not face down
One of my biggest fears is the serial killer saying something funny while I play dead.
I have a confession…
I don’t like Oreos.
And it feels so great getting that off my chest!
*blocked by all of Twitter*
horse: is ur name liam
liam neeson: yea?
horse: lol i know u we worked together on a different movie
liam neeson: does anybody else hear this horse talking to me
Me: I wish I was the most beautiful person in the world.
Genie: done.
Me: *checking in mirror* But I still look the same?
Genie: yes, but just wait until you see everybody else.
How am I supposed to find my glasses if I’m not wearing my glasses!?
son: dad, can you spell upside down?
dad: yes but it does make me dizzy
I could tell by her screams this was not the kind of friendship that included showers.
Drunk yoga, but it’s me trying to get the last drop out of my boxed wine.
“Hot, lo-cal singles in your area!”
– Diet ads for Cannibals
Forget about waking me up when September ends, wake me up when Backstreet’s back, alright?
THE 3 PEOPLE IN EVERY CHIPOTLE LINE:
– guy ordering for his whole office who takes forever
– white lady who’s never been there before and doesn’t like spicy food. ends up getting a bowl of white rice and chicken
– guy who leans over sneeze-guard and is shouty about his order
I wanted to have sex with Uma Thurman until I saw her toes in Kill Bill.
Being held for questioning sounds more romantic than it is
WEAR CLOTHES OTHERS DARE NOT.
If you can pronounce Worcestershire I’ll assume you can do all sorts of fun things with your tongue.
NURSE: ur concerned about ur patient huh? Youve been pacing in circles for 10 mins
DR DOG: haha no im just trying to find a spot to lie down
I carry a rolled up yoga mat so people think I’m fit but really it’s just a great way to hold 2 footlong meatball subs.
I asked a barista why they were wearing a surgical mask.
they answered: It’s not a surgical mask, it’s a coughy filter
WOW! SNOWING EVERYWHE…. it stopped.
OMG IT’S STARTING AGAIN AND… nvrmind.
HERE IT IS AGAIN, WEEE…its gone.– Snow globe, the story.
Dr: Have you been getting enough exercise?
Me: Does sex count as exercise?
Dr: Yes.
Me: No.
A creepy guy in a blue van saw me hit a car in the parking lot.
So I was obligated to leave a note… “ᴀ ᴄʀᴇᴇᴘʏ ɢᴜʏ ɪɴ ᴀ ʙʟᴜᴇ ᴠᴀɴ ʜɪᴛ ʏᴏᴜʀ ᴄᴀʀ”
I put an energy drink in my hummingbird feeder, now all my hummingbirds are going back in time and returning with tiny top hats.
These people act like they’ve never seen a woman eat a whole rotisserie chicken before.
When Meatloaf said he would do anything for love, but he wouldn’t do that, he was talking about quarantining with his kids for 2 weeks.
My wife said she wanted to do it missionary style, so I forced her to change religions and gave her smallpox.
I accidentally used my cat’s shampoo, and now my wife takes pictures of me every 15 minutes.
What’s the downside of being rude to your executioner?
With this onion ring, I thee fed