Natural selection at its finest
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5: How come we never do anything fun?
Me: We went to an amusement park..
5: Yeah but that was a really long time ago
Me: It was yesterday
Sometimes I purposefully dress my toddler in mismatched pajamas just to make my wife’s head explode.
My husband is trying to tell me shopping on Amazon isn’t a hobby.
Next thing I know he’ll be saying Twitter isn’t a hobby.
My sex life has improved so much I’m thinking of asking someone else to join me…
Whatever I was born in like 10 mangers
Sometimes I’ll order things online & pay for handling but not shipping. I don’t want the product; I just want them to move it around a bit.
Breaking News: Man shaped like a garbage bag full of potato salad upset with outcome of sporting event.
In Scotland, we stop doing the accent when you guys aren’t around.
If your drug dealer answers your call on the first ring …. he’s a cop.
Somebody in my gang is an undercover police horse. I’ve narrowed it down to Dave, Kyle and Sugarcube
When people in movies get fired, they all have that one little box with a framed picture on top. You worked there for 17 years, why don’t you have more stuff?
The worst part of being named Michael is repeatedly being broken up with via a text that states *drops Mike*
My kids caught me eating candy and they both took turns interrogating me trying to get me to tell them where the candy stash is, but I ain’t no snitch I ain’t telling them shit!
Once kids are awake my usage of the word “don’t” goes up 2000%
Her: I chose you for your brains
Me: aww
Her: in case I ever become a zombie
My kids’ school sends home so much artwork I’ve had to buy 8 refrigerators since September.
MENTOR: I am now sponsored by Cheetos, but it shan’t affect my wise counsel
ME: How can I become-
MENTOR: Dangerously cheesy? Glad you asked
I don’t want to marry Bill Gates because he’s rich.
I want to marry Bill Gates so I never have to fix my own computer.
Dating:
“No you hang up!”
“No you hang up!”
“No you hang up!”
“No you hang up!”Marriage:
“No you shut up”
“No you shut up”
“No you shut up”
“No you shut up”
*God creating Eminem*
This one will really hate his mom, but also be really obsessed with her spaghetti.
I feel like palindrome should be spelled palindromemordnilap
My sister is holding her baby in one hand and a cup of Starbucks in the other, I’m going to toss her phone at her to see who gets dropped.
Dad: [tied to chair] You’ll never make me talk.
Bad Guy: *pulls back a velvet curtain revealing a wall with hundreds of thermostats*
me: I think I’m losing my marbles
proctologist: I’m finding them
“Be cool, be cool,
be cool”~me before I’m about to not be cool.
Using “Hello” as a greeting
– boring
– uninspired
– predictableUsing “Hiya” as a greeting
– casually playful
– conveys enthusiasm
– leaves door open for karate
Dear future self,
No, you weren’t robbed. You left your house like this.
Sincerely,
You, you dumb slob.
*Scrooge McDuck being put in handcuffs*
SM: Unhand me! What is the meaning of all this?!
Cop: Sir, you own half of Wall St. and are a duck
I just coughed so loud the neighbors set their house on fire and drove away.
I would rather weave a suit out of my grandfather’s pubic hair than “pull an all-nighter” with you.