My son told me he used “air conditioner” in the shower so now I guess he has…cool hair.
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Chuffed as chips with my new Apple watch!
To Doo List:
1. Cockadoodle
2. Yabba Dabba
3. Voo
4. Sea
5. Didgeri
There’s a line in 30 rock where Kenneth mentions that the mayor of his hometown is a female horse and I just today realized a female horse is called a mare. She’s the mare of the town.
“No use crying over spilled milk” was coined by someone who didn’t have a 3yo who played with her milk. They didn’t have to deal with asking the 3yo to stop playing with her milk. And they def didn’t have to clean the spilled milk.
So you’re damn right I cried over spilled milk.
imagine prince eric watching ariel get her voice back in the little mermaid and finding out she sounds exactly like donald duck
My 6 year old brothers teacher asked the class what’s their favorite season and he said garlic powder 😭😭😭😭
Hotel Front Desk: checking out ma’am?
Me: I’m a mom of three, I checked out a long time ago.
HFD:
Me: oh yes, I’m done with the room.
I blame cartoon elephants for influencing how I overreact when I see a mouse.
Fun thing to say to your neighbors on the first meeting: I love the way your hair smells when you’re sleeping.
*about to kiss girl*
*butterflies in my stomach*
*I vomit, thousands of butterflies fly out*
*they pick up the girl and fly away*
Man not ag
Just howling at the moon and eating whatever I can find until my navel pops out like an angry elevator button, how about you?
Age 8: “Being a werewolf would be fun!”
Age 18: “Being a werewolf would solve all my problems.”
Age 28: “Being a werewolf is an escapist power fantasy for emotionally stunted children.”
Age 38: “Being a werewolf would be fun AND it would solve all my problems!”
My favorite episode of House Hunters is the one where the couple wants an open floor plan, lots of natural light, and room to entertain.
*holding your xray up to the light and looking at it*
when did you first notice your back hurting?
“after the knife went in”
Dear Milk of Magnesia manufacturers:
Please add : ‘Don’t trust a fart’ to your side effects label.
kthanksbye
When I was in first grade, my teacher asked me what my mom did for a living. I said “She sells drugs.” I meant she worked in pharmaceutical sales.
CNN needs to reevaluate the use of Breaking News. Perhaps “Latest Speculative News” or “We Really Don’t Know Shit” would work.
CNN call me.
My favourite part of the Bible is when the little guy finally throws his ring into the volcano.
The goose: Canada’s most violent saxophone.
Cartoons made it seem like I’d be regularly hit in the head with fallen anvils, but it’s only happened to me three times.
Unfortunately, not even me offering to cut my toenails could save the relationship.
Watermelon Boss!
person: wanna be friends and get to know each other at a normal pace?
me: wanna write a movie together toDAY???
You’re officially old when the lady who cuts your hair starts asking you if you would like her to trim your eyebrows and ears
…yes please
Always leave the shower curtains open.
*things I learned from horrors
I love sundress season, the way they occasionally and oh so tantalisingly waft up, revealing the treasures hidden beneath. But yes officer, I promise to wear underwear in future.
Would definitely get your blood pumping waking up to that…😳🤣🦏🦮
Kind of cruel how preschool and the Muffin Man teach girls that they might one day find a guy made entirely out of muffins.
JESUS: Happy Father’s Day, Joe.
[hands over present]JOSEPH: Wow, thanks Jesus. I wonder what it-
[present is empty][Jesus and God hi-5]