Farmer: These two chickens share a nest
No one:
Me: Would you call that cooperation?
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85% of Canadian moms need you to fix their computer this afternoon
*checks pockets for phone 53 times before jumping in pool*
*skinny dips to be on the safe side*
genie: make a wish
bob: I wish I was rich
genie: your wish is granted
rich: thank you
If you’re stuck at the top of a tree and afraid to get down, call me. I have no fear of heights so getting the chainsaw from my attic is not even an issue.
Doctor: How in the world did you manage to swallow this?
Me: (harmonica sounds)
– Are you upset?
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
– No.
i got pulled over & my vape was in my cup holder & the cop was like “u know the news saying those things are killing people”
i laughed a lil bit & said “they say the same thing about yall lol”
he ain’t laugh
When wood plank seating is finally abolished, it’s over for you benches
@Mardigroan @sofarrsogud If you own a coffee shop and aren’t having a July Froth sale, what are you even doing?
I saw Mommy kissing Santa Claus.
Then I saw her arguing with him about money.
Now I see Santa drinking by himself.
Does a sunset actually happen if someone doesn’t take a picture of it and post it on Instagram?
‘What’s that smell?’
‘I think a squirrel died in the walls.’
‘This is your car’
Trying to sound more sinister in normal conversation. i just invited my friend out for a drink tonight but i did it by saying “do u wanna meet me for a simple drink at a regular bar no strings attached nothing weird”.
They were tryna put dude out the bar last night for dressing like Jeffery dahmer, but come to find out bruh just looked like that
Somehow I missed my turn into my driveway and ended up at the pub few blocks over
a bloodbath has got to be the least effective type of bath
Cat: I think i have a rash.
Doctor Dog: WE SHOULD AMPUTATE YOUR HEAD
Me: But where do you see this relationship in five years?
Her: Sir! For the last time, do you want extra cheese or not?
Dating is collecting information about someone until you realize you don’t like them
[Morgan Freeman narrating my life]
*extended period of silence*
“What the hell am I supposed to do with this…”
Things Stephen King books taught me to be afraid of:
-dogs
-cars
-storm drains
-hotels
-the street
-writers
-little girls
-the prom
Toddlers & Ghosts
-haunt you at all hours
-lots of moaning/screaming
-unclear motives
-not helpful with housework
-randomly open cupboards
I successfully hid chocolate chip cookies from my children, making today’s parenting score:
Kids: 43,290
Mom: 1
First they ignore your fanny pack, then they laugh at your fanny pack, then they see you eat gummy bears from your fanny pack, then you win.
me
wife
me
wife
me: I didn’t know it was for you
wife [covered in soda because I shook the can up when my kid asked for one]
Friend: Let’s get a table outside
Me: How about we get an inside table but the waiter turns the heat way up, dumps tiny bugs in our food and shines a super bright flashlight in our eyes?
A colleague suggested I clone myself so I can take on more work, but I don’t think it’s fair to ask my husband to put up with any more of me.
The voices in my head have been quiet for a while. They probably broke something.
CLIENT: remember what i said
HITMAN: yeah make it look like my little brother
CLIENT: huh
HITMAN: an accident
CLIENT:
HITMAN: i do comedy too
CLIENT: are you any good
HITMAN: i always kill
CLIENT:
HITMAN: that was a joke
CLIENT: ah
I asked my kid what kind of animal he’d be, and he said he’d be a bird so he could fly to the North Pole, kill Santa, take over, and make all the elves his slaves. They’re just precious at 8.