when i find out there’s a cat at the party but they’re locked in the bedroom
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Back in my day, we didn’t have iPads.
If we wanted to act elitist, we stuck the collars of our Polos straight up.
When someone you don’t wanna see tries to make plans with you
I always wink at the local Funeral Director, because he will be the last one to see me naked, and I don’t want it to be awkward.
I may be fat now, but you’re stupid forever.
Sorry I threw firewood at you and yelled “shoo”, but with the amount of eye liner you wear, you resemble the raccoons that raided my cooler.
Marriage hack: when your wife says “I think it’s crazy, but do what you want,” don’t do what you want.
Texans can’t comprehend vegans. We just think their barbeque grills are broken.
Her: What’d you just eat?
Me: Leftover porkchop.
Her: Ok but what’s that sauce?
Me: The sauce that you made to go with the pork chops.
Her: That’s not the sauce… I don’t know what you found in the fridge…WebMd: You’re gonna die.
So funny how “go to sleep” and “do parkour” sound exactly the same to kids.
You can strip us of our rights,
our dignity and our freedom but know this; we will NEVER stop correcting your grammar.
Just finished a book about an immortal pet dog. I couldn’t put it down.
[Updates Christian Mingle bio]
“Just like Moses, I pay attention to the bush first”“You have 999 new matches”
Bad comedy:
“Gonorrhea, but not forgottenorrhea. Am I right?”
*crickets*
“Jeez, y’all sure know how to avoid the clap. Am I right folks?”
Wouldn’t that be a cool twist if World War 3 turned out to be a U.S.-Russia thing after all? “So retro!”, you’d think as you were vaporized.
God: kill your son
Abraham: uh…ok
God: holy shit I’m jk
Abraham: umm…
God: I’ll probably kill mine tho lol
Abraham: wtf?
*First day as a missing person*
Wife: Hello police? Yeah call it off he was just in the shower.
The bright side of getting attacked by a Cyclops is only having to use half the pepper spray.
Gotta be tough for the guy somewhere who has to say “yeah, she left me for Charles Manson.”
This is going to be my year.
WebMD: paranoid schizophrenia
Please end your conference calls on time. You have no idea who is suffering and needs to go to the bathroom. your question can wait brenda
If you encounter a bear in the wilderness, sing a Coldplay song. You’ll die, but the bear will suffer too.
Coworker said ‘nice pink shirt, when did you come out?’ I said ‘IT’S NOT PINK IT’S SALMON!’. Then I snapped my fingers and skipped away.
My daughters built this elaborate house setup for their dolls, so I went over and threw a bunch of trash in each room to make it more realistic.
Having kids has taught me that their ears are for decorative purposes only.
inside you there are two wolves. one snores like “honk shoo honk shoo honk shoo.” the other one snores like “hooooonk mi mi mi”
Alexa, make out with the Roomba
Getting out of bed in the morning always gave me a headache until I tried it feet first.
When people start mentioning their doctoral degrees at dinner parties I find a way to slip it into the conversation that I’ve read all 6 Harry Potter books.
you’ve been hit by
*bang-bang*
you’ve been struck by
your time management
*from upstairs* HONEY…WHERE ARE MY BUSINESS PYJAMAS??