My cat is bilingual. He ignores me in both English and Spanish.
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Many many moons ago:
Teacher: Well 75% of you passed math exams and will not have to go to summer school this year
Me from the back: “YEAH BUT WHAT ABOUT THE OTHER 45% OF US”
Me: I need to go to the doctor but my car won’t start.
Mechanic: Did you try jumping it?
Me: Of course, how did you think I broke my legs?
Lasagna asks the question, “what if pasta were a book”
What’s green, fuzzy, has four legs, and will kill you if it falls out of a tree?
.
.
A pool table
*spends 45 minute drive trying to perfectly crack open my car window*
[airport security]
wife: *fidgeting with wedding ring*
me: *emptying my cargo shorts pockets*
tsa agent:
tsa agent: why so many gameboys
When you die, you walk down a tunnel of light and then that sentient paperclip from MS Word pops up and asks you what you want to do next.
Yawn in the club to see who’s checkin you out.
I still remember the day I asked my mom “why did you have so many of us? (I have 4 brothers and 2 sisters)
Her response: there was nothing good on T.V.
C’mon, dude. Man up and ask her if she likes me.
It turns out the only way to get my kids to flush the toilet is for me to be showering when they use it.
Why do people leave mattresses on the side of the road? Do they really think someone will take it? Do you think I should wash it first?
Mr. Darcy: “You have bewitched me, body and soul.”
Wicked Witch of the West: “That’s kinda what I do. Now please dismount the monkey.”
*everytime I introduce dad*
this is the man who’s not proud of me
aragorn: you have my sword
legolas: and my bow
gimli: and my axe
WHO: omg please stop sharing your stuff
YouTube: hi. we see you’re holding the drum to the washing machine in place with your knee and a pair of pliers in your mouth . We’ll get to your how-to video in just a sec but first we’d like to show you 2 minutes of unskippable ads
God: [returning from year-long sabbatical] So, how’s 2016 been? Did you cope OK?
Intern who was left in charge: [looks awkward] Yep. Fine.
The guy next door just put up his Christmas lights… I bet he’s pissed because I beat him, I put mine up 5 years ago..
I have the financial security of a much, much younger man
I named my toilet Jim instead of John and now everyone is always so impressed when I tell them I go to the Jim everyday.
What woman say right before they kill you:
Wow.
Fine.
Whatever.
No problem.
I’m not mad.
Nothing’s wrong.
Sure, stay friends with your ex.
Did you know stuffing your bra with toilet paper works pretty well…
except when it rains.
Almost 15 years ago my son was born and you find yourself picturing things they might do in there lives. In that moment, I knew that one day I’d be at high school football game on Friday night watching him.
15 years later and I’m here. Watching him play the tuba at halftime.
I just want to have the poker face of a toddler that tells you that they didn’t poop their pants.
Netflix: are you still watching?
Me: *is asleep
Netflix: why are you like this
APOLLO: I’ll be god of the sun
HERMES: OK I’ll take light-
A: I’m also light
ARTEMIS: I’ll take music
A: No I’m also music. That’s me too
I’ve tried everywhere so I can confirm that there is no snooze button on a baby.
[quietly opens a beer]
Funeral Director: seriously?!
Me: oh sorry [reaches into cooler and hands him one]
Her: Talk dirty to me
Me: I’m not good at it
Her: omg just do it!
Me: You’re a bad girl
Her: oh yeahhh…how bad am I?
Me: Substandard