[spelling bee]
Moderator: your word is sentence
Me: can you use it in a sentence?
Moderator: your word is sentence
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HER: Now that we’re in lockdown, we really need to ration our snacks
ME: *sprinkling Oreo crumbs over a log cabin made of Snickers* Yeah definitely
Me: look who came by for a little sucky sucky
Vampire: don’t say it like that
Either this apartment is haunted or someone has been filling the sink with dishes & leaving notes that say, “You still owe $89 for cable.”
I’ve learnt a lot from the movies over the years, such as how to count using Roman numerals…
I, II, III, IV, V, Balboa.
And in that moment, she decided to stand up for herself
Never again would she do what Simon said
me: I wish there were more hours in my day
the sun at 5:30 a. m.: hey
m; eew. no. not you.
My gynecologist recognized me at the grocery store, so I guess I need to start wearing longer skirts.
When you’re on the third Zoom meeting of the day and decide you’re just gonna go ahead and eat your lunch and people can just deal with it.
I was sitting in the public toilets when a guy in the cubicle next to me started smoking. Disgusting.
Nearly put me off my sandwich.
You’re all arguing about what color the dress is… While I’m having sex with the girl who took it off.
why are they called stepfathers and not faux pas
Nothing makes sex more awkward than realizing your kid is awake…
and standing outside your door…
and playing the harmonica.
If you want my body and you think I’m sexy, please stop buying your prescription glasses at Walmart.
my neighbors have set up a little “bear hunt” game by putting teddy bears in their windows. I’ve shot five so far
It was my daughter’s turn to pick the movie the other night and I was not prepared for her to choose a yeti documentary
I strike a fierce pose for the camera, then another, and another.
“Can…can you just stand still?” the x-ray technician asks sadly.
Like most major sports injuries, almost all Rock, Paper, Scissors injuries occur because of insufficient stretching before the match.
FURNITURE MAKER WHO SECRETLY HATES HIS WIFE: Honey I created a new type of cabinet. I’m gonna name it after you
SUSAN: Aw baby that’s sweet
When your band gets bumped off the set list by an acapella group you’ve been a choired
When fireworks were invented, it was ‘hisssss’ to ‘wheeeee’ in the making.
I didn’t choose the thug life, the thug life chose me; mistakenly as it were because I have the nerves of a guinea pig and puke when I cry.
If you yell “DIE” when killing a spider, it dies faster.
‘Your Song’ by Elton John was released
53 YEARS AGO TODAY so, that funny feeling inside might be you getting old.
There’s so much going on 😂😂😂
Where have you been all my life? Please go back there.
Cats are tough negotiators, they leave nothing on the table.
When I was a teenager, nobody told me about incense. So every time I smoked pot, I covered up the smell by cooking a whole meatloaf.
“I can’t wait to get inside you,” I flirtatiously whisper to a coffin.
A random lady complimented me on my dress and said how lovely it looked on me
So I did what any reasonable person would do
Walked into a lamp post and fell over
I went from being mama, mommy, mom, brotato chip, bruh, to now “mother”. So formal all of a sudden.