This headline stunned me-
“Mars to reduce carbon emissions”Until I realized it was the candy maker …
and not the planet.
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[my first day at the spa]
*gently lays an entire cucumber on your eyelids*
Hey beauty brands who make face creams. 30ml is only enough for an ant’s face.
My mom when I opened up a bag of candy in the backseat of the car.
I’ve never owned a pair of spanx that didn’t eventually own me.
Saw a few feral dads at the grocery today. They’d lost their shopping lists and didn’t have phones. Store staff were attempting to feed them without being bitten.
What they don’t tell you about marriage is that between year 5 and 15, your wife will record you snoring in the night, and then present it to you like it’s evidence in a murder trial.
I love how all my apps shake when I go to delete one..
There all like awww shit,
who’s it gonna be this time
“Full House fans have found a 1993 episode of the show called “Be True To Your Preschool”. In it, Loughlin’s Aunt Becky stops Uncle Jesse (John Stamos) from lying to get their toddler twins into an ‘elite preschool'”
AAAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHA
High school teachers: “Your college profs aren’t going to be as lenient as we are.”
College profs: “Sorry I’m late I didn’t want to come.”
Adam: hey this is amazing we’re the first people ever, can you belEVE it lol
Eve: oh right, you like puns
Adam: have you EDEN dinner yet lmao
Eve: think I’m gonna go talk to this shady looking snake
I want my morning coffee to give the same amount of energy that my kids get when they hear me say it’s bedtime.
Neighbor asked me over for coffee and said ‘make yourself comfortable’, so I did, I went home.
I’m having lunch with my mom today. I can’t wait to hear how tired and unmarried I look.
[my gf actually turns into a worm]
me: oh my god. it’s ok, i’ll still go out with you
my worm gf: [sees a cool worm wearing a leather jacket] i think we should see other people
HELLO, 911? I’M FALLING DOWN AN ELEVATOR SHAFT. YES, RIGHT NOW. VERY SLOWLY, THAT’S HOW. HOLD ON, SOMEONE JOINED. WHOA, NOW WE’RE FALLING UP
This recipe takes only 30 minutes.
3.5hrs after preparing all the ingredients, it did indeed take 30 minutes.
Holy shit you guys. Twitter works outside too.
[flops on the ground like a fish whenever I have to make a decision]
As I walk through the valley of the Shadow of Death, I remind myself that you can’t always trust Google Maps.
9: Mommy can I have a treat?
Me: It’s close to bedtime so no
9: A tiny piece?
Me: No
9: A molecule? An atom?!
Me: I’m glad you’re paying attention in Science but no. Not even a quark or neutrino
9: Is that a donut?
Interviewer: u worked in sales before?
Me: yeah
Interviewer: what’s your background?
Me [gets phone out]: picture of my dog eating spaghetti
Gunna get my 600 tweets in early, so I have the rest of the day free to argue with people in person.
I find it creepy that everything Bryan Adams does, he does it for me.
Jesus turned water into wine.
I turn food into fertilizer.
We are not the same.
If you’re trying to lose weight but you’re starving, eat a banana. I’ve had 73 of them today
My 6 year old just got back from visiting our elderly neighbor and said, “I told her we’d bring her some fresh baked cookies when they’re ready.” I informed her that we weren’t baking any cookies today and she said, “Oh, I guess we kinda have to now, don’t we?” Diabolical.
They say, “don’t hate the player, hate the game,” but I’ve got enough hate to do both.
She wasn’t matching our energy so I had to fix it for her 🙄😂
[Bar]
me: Gimme one more
wife: I think you’ve had enough
m: Last one
w: Fine
m: *asks waitress for another kids menu so I can do the maze*
Oppenheimer at the A-Bomb test saying “Now, I am become Death, the destroyer of worlds” only me exiting the bathroom after eating Taco Bell.