Clicks “open”
Tries door
Clicks “open”
Tries door
Clicks “open”
Tries door
What the FU..
Wrong car
(I have a master’s degree)
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Having to walk all the way to a person’s house & talk to them face to face really cut down on pointless small talk though.
men only want one thing: a large italian wife that chases them around with a big wooden spoon when they sneak a meatball before dinner
*looks up from pestle and mortar
“Powdering this baby is HARD!”
Her: The laundry pods are missing!
Me: Oh really?
H: Did you eat them again?
M: Absolutely not *burps bubbles* why?
H: JUST CALL IT A HUNCH!
ME: Table…table doesn’t look great
JESUS: Through me you will have eternal life
ME: ok cool but you SPECIFICALLY said you were a carpenter
One time I stayed in a relationship three months longer than I should’ve because the person had a flattering mirror in their apartment
Kid packed for a 3 day trip to his grandparents with 1 t-shirt, 1 pair of underwear, and 7 pairs of socks. I have a few questions
Her: I live in Wales.
Me: like Jonah
3200 BC: Man invents written language and abandons hieroglyphics
2023 AD: Man abandons written language in favor of memes
In a house with 1,000 bathrooms your kid will only be willing to use the one you’re in, there is nothing you can do to prevent this
The orcas have been quiet, too quiet…
I love my husband so much that I have a picture of his credit card on my home screen.
Remember the 90’s when a fax machine would keep calling your number that sounded like a pissed off pterodactyl …. Good Times ….
This day in history. 1810. Sweden declared war on its ally the United Kingdom initiating 2 years of fairly spiteful Christmas card exchanges.
It took 3 employees to help me complete “self-checkout” today.
I always carry a red Sharpie on me in case I have to draw blood.
I used to be so graceful, now I am like a puppy with a box stuck on her head
This girl from my hometown just named her baby Brogan and everyone just let it happen
I don’t need your flipping advice, I am capable of ruining my life on my own.
Read the tweet above this one and then the tweet below it. People paid FORTY-FIVE DOLLARS PER SHARE FOR THIS.
If I don’t stick to my diet, people are going to start calling me the last chairbender.
Can someone make a voodoo doll of me and send it off to the gym?
ME: so what do you do for a living
HER: I work for a moving company
ME: where is it today?
Just when you think you’re getting a real break from socializing, someone organizes a drive by honking parade.
Therapist: How does that make you feel?
Me: Like I want to stab someone.
Therapist: That’s an action, lets focus on a feeling word.
Me: Like if I don’t get to stab someone I will be sad.
I asked my son to turn down his music and he ‘okayed boomer’ me so now we’re turning off the wi-fi for a bit
Become a parent, so you, too, can be accused of putting too much yolk in an egg.
Hang on guys. My boyfriend told me not to be anxious, so I expect to feel better any moment.
the person who wrote the program that estimates how much time is left on a software update did not take their job seriously at all