ME: make every guy afraid of me
GENIE: as u wish
ME: (a tampon): son of a
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mechanic: i’m gonna have to replace your brakes
me: with what
[At supermarket]
“Excuse me do you work here?”
WHAT? ME? Work HERE? Hell no. I went to college. I don’t have a job
Me: I build new bridges with the bones of my enemies.
Him: Please speak directly into the microphone.
Me: Not guilty, your Honor.
Play The Bee Gees loudly several times a day from your home so that if you have to kill someone the sounds won’t be unusual.
Dear Mom and Dad: Camp is awful and I want to go home. They haven’t let us go swimming even once, and I hate the orange jumpsuits they make us wear. Also, the counselors are mean and my cabin mate says he’s going to shank me. Making license plates is fun, though. Love, John.
He died doing what he loved; shouting ‘boo!’ behind horses.
I’m not here to judge anyone’s religion. I’m here to judge their misinterpretation of it.
No, I don’t want to hang out at your house. Your pot to snacks ratio is all off.
*First hour into camping with my family with no phone*
I have 2 kids?!
Eventually, everyone will be quarantined to their houses with no sports to watch… and in 9 months from now a boom of babies will be born… and we will call them the coronials. #Coronials #Youhearditherefirst
the hotdog are finally returning to the pastures. the earth is healing. we are the virus
Dwayne Johnson cornered me outside a Hallmark store and now for 20 minutes I’ve been stuck between a Rock and a card place
Can’t leave this facebook group because someone has raccoons living under their bathtub and now I’m invested in how it plays out
Finally passed GO. That’s the last time I eat a Monopoly board.
When you kidnap a writer.
[standing at the threshold like a vampire] my sock has a hole in it
One day we will tell our grandkids how far we had to scroll to get to the recipe.
Listening to my mom tell a story is akin to a verbal version of Russian nesting dolls.
Legacy implies the existence of armacy.
Oh! He barehanded that ball. Can you believe the athleticism?
– Baseball commentatorPfft. Amateur.
– Every parent who’s caught their kid’s barf in their hand
GF: why the hell are you eating cheese puffs in bed at 2am
Me: shhh… I’m sleep walking
$4.99 for a box of saltines? My neighborhood grocery store thinks it’s a Whole Foods now.
The wife: what do you want for Christmas, sky is the limit
Me: new boat
The wife: lower sky
I’ve been interrogating this dog for hours and he still won’t tell me who’s a good boy.
“I’m an actress”
I watched your web series, and I disagree.
NURSE: Do you drink alcohol?
ME: No
NURSE: Do you do drugs?
ME: *sigh* No
NURSE: Are you sexually active?
ME: *just starts crying*
[CREATING GROUNDHOGS]
GOD: a rat dog
ANGEL: check
GOD: that whispers to white people
ANGEL: what?
GOD: about the weather
ANGEL:
I heard someone talk about all the sex they were having for like 20 minutes, and now I know how people feel when I talk about CrossFit.
You can only be young once, but you can be immature forever.
My father-in-law has 28 grandchildren and 45 great grandchildren and he has an excel spreadsheet that he refers to regularly so he can remember all their names.