I don’t let my husband pick up the groceries right now because I’m worried he’ll taste freedom and never come back.
You Might Also Like
I bet Scooby wished he never got into that van of weirdos
You’ll be OK
Do not ask for who the bell tolls because it’s whom you monster
People whose TL is only quotes from famous people—You do realize you’re not a desk calendar, right?
[Calling a guy for the 1st time]
Him: Hello
Me: Helloooooo!!! *in Mrs. Doubtfire’s voice*
*panics, hangs up*
A girl on the bus just batted her eyes at me, but I ducked and they flew out the window.
i love horror films but this one with the killer making people stay at their desks after work is next level sick.
Remember back in season one of Covid, when we thought maybe we’d be in this for just five seasons like Breaking Bad, and now it’s like, surprise y’all, this is Grey’s Anatomy.
Cryptocurrency sounds like an entrance fee to a mausoleum.
My friend’s offering to pay for a trip to NY to be her +1 for a wedding.
She’s probably going to drug me & sell my organs. *agrees to go 🙂
i did the math and a second job would help me get out of debt as long as i start it twelve years ago
My 5yo’s teacher wore a Slytherin t-shirt to school and now I’m concerned about the type of magic my son might be learning
[meeting at the headquarters of literally any app]
good morning everyone, let’s get started. the first and only item on our agenda is, how do we make this app worse
My dog: WHY ARE YOU ALL STILL HOME
I’m trying to send the zombie apocalypse but the zombies say they’d rather starve.
Thanks to ChristianMingle, I met the woman I will put through a terrifying emotional rollercoaster before I finally come out of the closet.
What Abba never mentioned is that Dancing Queen is really a figurehead position. All the real power is in the hands of Dancing Parliament.
I have many questions and they all start with what the heck.
He was a sperm,
she was an egg
can i make it anymore ovulous
I was visiting my parents this past weekend and Y’ALL, I had no idea how intense birdwatching can get.
i love misspelling a word so hard even MS Word is like “this is between you and the Lord now”
Might fornicate around and use a thesaurus
Sure the pilot says “feel free to move about the cabin,” he doesn’t mean it.
imagine my surprise when i learned the word “briefly” does not, in fact, mean “underwearly”
I am a:
⚪️ boy
⚪️ girl
🔘 dormant ancient forest spiritseeking a:
⚪️ lover
⚪️ friend
🔘 mortal to accidentally open a cursed text and release me from my slumber to seek revenge on those who sought to bind my power
My 3-year-old’s favorite game is Restaurant which just entails her putting on a chef’s hat and me ordering dessert and no matter what I order she says, “We don’t have that.”
It is not stealing if you walk into a place and do not know where you are or what is happening and just take whatever food you can carry because it is the only thing that makes sense in that moment.
I am a bear.
My dog just looked me in the eye and said “no one is gonna believe you”, then took a nap.
I’m such a great mom. I taught my kids archaeology during quarantine.
I mean, they dug up an opossum skull while they were digging a trench in the backyard unsupervised.
Archaeology.
My 1YO hit my 5YO with his toy so she got upset and asked me if we can return him to the hospital and pick up a “nicer kid”.