‘I want to gossip but professionally.’
– news anchors
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I was brought up in the wild by hyenas.
Times were hard, food was scarce but we had some great laughs.
So I guess pigeons are actually wealthy: “Racing pigeon sells for record $1.9 million after frantic bidding war.”
I am a(n):
⚪️ man
⚪️ woman
🔘 unknowable entity in the deep wood
seeking:⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 a morally grey companion to defend me from the wizard who has been hunting me for centuries
“How do you talk to an angel”
Me: I don’t know, Skype I guess?
“How do you hold her close to where you are”
Me: Aren’t most angels men?
[finishing meal at rooftop restaurant] I’m ready to jump off whenever you guys are
I’m not saying over a year in quarantine has messed with me but a tiny lizard got into my apartment and I was like, “oh good, you made it.”
The circus serves as a great analogy for marriage. You’re either walking the tightrope or holding a chair because you told her to calm down.
Roses are red. Violets are blue. If he’s busy on Valentine’s Day, the side chic is you.
We’ve been sending transmissions into space for 100 years, so of course aliens avoid us. Earth is the douchebag at the beach blasting music on their bluetooth radio.
Me: why is there a graham cracker in my makeup bag?
4: oh, it’s probably mine.
Me: probably?
Alcohol is the leading cause of me getting yelled at for being a pterodactyl on the coffee table.
When people say something is cray-cray it makes me wanna vom-vom
Why are the people on soap operas always CEOs?
Nobody works at Walmart?
If you can’t stand me at my worst then WAIT COME BACK HERE WHERE ARE YOU GOING
Me: I had a nightmare that someone broke into our house and tried to steal our kids
Husband: What’s the nightmare part?
*slowly cracks open a beer while the cop explains why he pulled me over*
French toast is just bread that bathes in milk like some pampered Egyptian queen.
The hay in baby Jesus’s manger came from Christian Bales.
My boyfriend doesn’t believe in putting his clothes away so I decided to stop believing in doing the dishes.
[first date]
HER: I totally love Nirvana
ME: Oh yeah? Name one of their albums
HER: Nevermind
ME Okay, forget about it then
Psychic: *rubbing temples* You want to know if your wife’s trying to murder you
Me: How’d you know?
P: *sees knife in my back* I’m good
Sometimes I think I’m reasonably intelligent, and sometimes I click the remote car door lock a second or third time for extra lockiness.
[2018]
SON: I have the sniffles.
WIFE: Let’s get you to the ER![1986]
ME: I just took half my finger off with the saw!
DAD: Go get the hydrogen peroxide and a stapler.
ME: …
DAD: Grab me a beer on your way.
dating tip #4: when meeting her brother for the 1st time make sure when he goes for the handshake u kiss him on the lips to assert dominance
i’ve seen the new gif of a guy cutting his pasta with scissors like three times today. i am just putting this buster keaton clip out there to show you where he copped it from —
Man: Is there a doctor in the house?
Dr: I have a PHD in literature
Man: This man is having a heart attack!
Dr: Thou know’st ’tis common; all that lives must die…
DATE: did I say something to upset you?
ME: *stabbing my pasta extra hard with my fork* everyone is entitled to their opinion about the best ninja turtle, Karen
ME: Is that a B or an 8?
HUSBAND: It’s a D. When are you going to get reading glasses?
ME: My eyes are fine. The print is too small.
KID: It’s an O. You’re both blind.
HER: Can I give you my new number?
ME: *Eye roll* I REALLY doubt you came up with a number I don’t already know.
General: Why is the whole battalion yellow and slimy?
Me: I mustard the troops.
General: …
Me: Just as you told me to, sir.