It’s as if the guy in the next stall doesn’t realize this is a competition
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Imagine if you killed a shark then got reincarnated as a shark but the shark you killed was really popular & all the sharks knew it was you.
“Don’t worry, the spider is smaller than you”
“Yeah….so is a grenade”
Me: My point is that every day brings fresh carnage, and there are new horrors around every corner.
Grandson: Read it how my mommy reads it.
You don’t scare me, you’re not my ID photo.
Me: I haven’t been able to keep the house clean for 10 years
My 10 year old: Hey that’s how old I am
Me: What a coincidence
Doctor: Are you eating a balanced diet?
Me: *thinking about that one time last year I ordered coleslaw as my KFC side*
Me: yes.
$175 an hour, $175 an hour…
– my therapist’s notes
all stores should have bathrooms in the front AND the back. the chances my kid will use the conveniently placed front bathroom when we first walk in are 0. The chances he’ll want to use one is when we’re 2 miles in the back of the store is 100.
The government has officially replaced all measurements of time with fruit. More news at banana.
learn to swear in every language by watching the world cup at your local bar
She didn’t understand so I took her hands & looked in her eyes & said “I know this is a Starbucks but I just want plain black coffee idiot.”
I asked my wife what she wanted for dinner; she said “Surprise me”. So I broke a beer bottle across the counter.
I’m still very hungry.
When people ask how my childhood was, I say “Pretty good, so far.”
Want to feel old? This is what the vampires from Buffy the Vampire Slayer look like now.
Always crush and snort your first pill on the pharmacy counter to make sure they’re not passing you some fake shit.
I don’t know who needs to hear this but if you’re going to rob a bank make sure it’s not the one you normally use.
shoutout to whoever hacked my doordash account and sent $140 worth of wingstop to my address instead of theirs
I cower in the darkness surrounded by demons that relentlessly tempt me… I submit to the temptation.
4: mom? are you hiding in the pantry eating cookies again?
friend: man, I honestly don’t believe she’d cheat on me
me: look, Gary, you can’t keep burying your head in the sand about this
ostrich at next table: OMG Devon, he did NOT just say what I think he said
harry potter: this meeting could’ve been an owl
In college I had 3 girlfriends at the same time. 10 years and a wife later, I have 0 girlfriends. Stay in school kids.
Tequila be like “I know a spot” then take you here
“Don’t kiss or snuggle backyard poultry,” CDC warns in salmonella alert.
Sometimes Jesus asks himself, “What would some self-righteous hypocrite do?”
He won’t let me complain to the neighbors, so I renamed the WiFi to ‘SHUT YOUR DOG UP, DICKS’
[first date]
Him: What are you passionate about?
Me: *bats eyelashes* Taxidermy.
Him: Animals?
Me: Haha. Sure…
didn’t receive my miso soup. how do i send a picture of something that didn’t arrive pls deliveroo?
When I die I want a memorial bench with a plaque that simply says ‘WET PAINT’ because I don’t want people sitting on my bench.
Good cop: If you just let us know where the body is, we’ll let you go
Bad Batman: Ben Affleck