As a parent my favourite part of the weekend is Monday.
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sisqo: [filing a missing persons’ report] she had dumps like a truck
cop: i keep telling you, i don’t know what that means
You know how I know society sets us up to fail?
Roombas only work if your house is already clean.
If it looks like a duck, swims like a duck, and barks like a pig, then I probably took too many pills.
my tattoos don’t make me unprofessional, my desire to not work does
Twitter :
Where all the really weird kids at school who had no friends now have 7,913 of even weirder ones
what do you want!!!!!!!!
[being dragged out of a Spice Girls concert] AND SPORTY ISN’T AN ACTUAL SPICE EITHER
Teens running from a party after the cops get called invented parkour
Don’t think that computers should be allowed to make those ‘dun-dun’ error noises at me. It’s not polite. I am trying my best.
genie: you can’t wish for more wishes
me: okay, i wish for the best contract lawyer in the world
genie: okay weird but *poof* here’s alan
me: hey alan, find some loophole in this genie’s bylaws that gets me more wishes
alan: *to genie* this is the fifth time this month
Instead of meeting any new people I would much rather un-meet the ones I already know.
The boy is putting whipped cream on the cat. I think he may have overheard a conversation he didn’t understand quite so well.
My son got his soccer ball stuck in our tree so I remedied the situation by getting 3 of my husband’s shoes stuck in the tree instead…
Teamwork makes the dreamwork
If anything bites you, chain yourself in the basement for the next full moon. Just to be sure.
*things I learned from horrors
[awkward silence while i drive my date home] in my defense some places let you draw on the menu
My 11 year old dumped his girlfriend because she was too “sassy.”
So I’m guessing my days are numbered.
somewhere a san francisco divorce lawyer is about to have a very exciting day
The hardest part of marriage is resisting temptation. Women just don’t understand how hard it is not to use a decorative towel.
[dog park meeting]
dog: we have confirmed reports that they’re hiding pills from us…
[low growls]
dog: IN THE CHEESE
[outraged barking]
[turns to buddy just before bar fight]
“I’ll take the guy with the glasses, you take the guy dressed as a ninja”
You have absolutely no fashion sense you wear nothing but brown every single day
UPS GUY: Just sign for the package
“Please refrain, Angry God, from using the Newspaper of Doom” the Spider King cries as he orders another sacrifice into your sleeping mouth
Satan: Welcome to Hell.
Me: Dude! This is a tropical paradise! Bikini clad women. Alcohol as far as the eye can see.
Satan: I know, pretty sweet, right? Now, take this group of toddlers to the beach. For the day. All day. Everyday.
Me: Sonofa….
The fastest way to get your kids to shut up is to ask them a question you want answered.
Most divorces could be avoided by buying 2 duvets.
infomercial: has this ever happened to yo-
me: no
infomercial: [people failing miserably at everyday tasks]
me: ok listen here
People always ask why I’m wearing a sombrero in my high school graduation pictures. Clearly, because it was my señor year.
TRUE STORY: My wife and I cleaned the house last weekend and found that we both have children from previous marriages.
“Shhhhh”
– me, drunk, to the wind chimes I just walked into
The longer this goes on, the harder it’s going to be to return to a society where pants are required.