Me – Actually goes for a walk
FitBit – You OK?
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How to brew beer: First buy $300 worth of equipment from the last guy who thought it would be fun
me: [tries to write “perfect”]
my phone’s swipe function: clearly you meant “prefect” since you often discuss student hierarchies in british boarding schools
My 11yo is begging me to let her get the ends of her hair dyed and says she’ll be the best child and do whatever I want if I say yes.
I already made the appointment but I’m gonna enjoy pretending I’m on the fence until then.
If stranded in a lifeboat in the middle of the sea, rub 2 FB accounts together to generate enough thoughts & prayers to lift you to safety.
I meant to type : You’re dear to me.
I actually typed : You’re dead to me.
Losing friends is easy.
All of these people are screaming like they’ve never seen someone revving a chainsaw on a public beach.
8 wanted to play candy land but I told her I didn’t want to move out of my chair so she played for me & I won 3 out of 4, how can I make life like this
[pet shop]
Me: Excuse me, do you work here?
Hamster: No, I do not.
how to lose 20lb
step 1: gain 40lb
Blizzard after 3 years of Overwatch lore development
[restaurant]
DATE: [clears throat]
ME: I’m sorry. [handing her placemat and crayons] Did you want to color too?
my cat: I’d like to go out
me: ok
my cat’s tail: not me tho
Diet tip: If you think you’re hungry, you might just be thirsty. Have a bottle of wine first and then see how you feel.
I went on my daughter’s movie field trip with her class so of course I snuck in snacks and she snitched on me to her teacher then had the audacity to ask me to share
Writes “He owed me $50” in funeral guest book.
My PS5 died, I guess I need to make friends now.
The dentist gives me toothpaste when I leave. Step up your game gynecologist.
Can’t figure out why my allergies are so bad. I changed my med regimen, listened to my doctor’s advice, took my extra meds, bathed, rubbed my face on each of my four cats…
My son had a rough day so I played Fortnite with him and the lesson that I learned is that I hate Fortnite.
Just by looking into someone’s eyes, you can tell if they have eyes
me: I brought a note from my doctor
dungeon master: that’s not… look, your character has to battle
Me: Ma’am your pet is loud.
Lady: That’s my baby.
Me: Ma’am your pet baby is loud
something america actually gets right is our commitment to air conditioning and ice cubes in drinks. like yeah healthcare would be nice but my god, room temperature water is an abomination
At my funeral I want there to be a big ‘live laugh love’ sign with the ‘live’ crossed out
Me: Dad gave me a sip of beer when I was 6 and I hated it. It was really effective in helping me to not rely on alcohol when dealing with my anger issues.
Prison Psychiatrist: you killed 8 people.
Me: yeah but I was super Zen about it
One time I got fired for being too drunk. Not for being drunk. For being too drunk. I miss that place.
Me, a kid: wonders how they get jelly into jelly donuts
Me, an adult: wonders why they don’t put vodka into jelly donuts
[being carried out of the zoo on a stretcher] not all hyenas are scared of the name Mufasa, I know this now
“Five year plan?”
[shuffles papers]
…written down here somewhere
… Ahh, here it is, lemme clean the cheese off this Mcmuffin wrapper