just overheard someone on the train ask another passenger where they got their elf ears because they the perfect “sort of weirdly shaped but weirdly realistic pair” and folks, they were not elf ears
You Might Also Like
Canadians eat more mac & cheese than any other nation
We also rank first for quality of life
I’m not saying these things are related but ….these things are definitely related
mafia boss: “i want you to send tony the rat a message”
me: “like what”
mafia boss: “a horses head or sumthin”
me: [sends txt: “hey tony 🐴”]
Cop: Do you have any drugs in the car?
Me: Absolutely not. Trust me, I’ve looked.
Wanna hear a joke?
Sleep.
I know, I don’t get it either.
Nothing gets me hotter than seeing those three little words. “Out for delivery.”
Help Wanted
[Batman in tears]
Catwoman left me
Oh no what happened?!
I left the door open and she just bolted
*from his room
8: Hey, nothing went terribly wrong!
8’s friend: No, nothing happened!
8’s other friend: There’s just a little blood!
ME: I think it’s time I get my life in order.
MORGAN FREEMAN: But he would not get his life in order. In fact, he got drunk that night and fought a raccoon.
earth: I’m dying
humans: I’m sorry you feel that way
I just did 5 crunches trying to get out of my lazy boy. When is it my turn to play aquaman
bought an eggplant, imma grow my own eggs
My daughter found and ate my hidden chocolate and her reason was she thought they were for everyone.
That
Every news show is like “are you actually seeing what you’re seeing? We’ll ask an expert and a liar!”
In the 80s they used an egg in a frying pan to demonstrate a brain on drugs only because they didn’t have Twitter in the 80s
Everyone: Look at all of those red flags.
Me: Red is the color of love tho.
I’m the only woman at this baby shower who doesn’t have a baby. They better ooh and aah over my bassinet of deviled eggs.
I exit the pool in slow motion, running my hand through my receding hairline.
Sadly, at 8:11 PM Mark Jones was mispronounced dead.
[at hospital]
Doctor: I’m afraid this man has deed. Am I saying that right? He’s deed.
cashier: ORDER FOR GRANT
me: oh cool
cashier: 25 TACOS READY FOR GRANT
me: ok here I am
cashier: 25 TACOS TO BE EATEN SHAMEFULLY IN THE DARK READY FOR GRANT
me: hey, I’m right here
cashier: 25 TACOS REPRESENTING FEELINGS OF INADEQUACY READY FOR
okay, so you’re definitely the best at keeping your body completely still, what do you want, atrophy?
I just did my budget for June. If I don’t buy food … I won’t need toilet paper.
I think I’m on to something here.
person texting me: hey I’m outside
me: [covered in glue and accidentally tripping onto a pile of several thousand photos of you] uh HANG ON
A message for people with imposter syndrome:
The Pentagon just announced they miscalculated by $3 billion, you’re doing fine (unless you are this one accountant at the Pentagon)
PERSON: Want a slice?
ME: No thanks, trying to eliminate bread
P: From your diet?
M [having sworn to destroy all bread]: Sure…from my diet
Never ‘boop’ a police officer on the nose when he pulls you over for speeding; I know this now.
My cat just started kneading my back in bed and I said “not now” so wish us luck we’re officially married.
Hell, YES, I work out. Somebody has to support the ibuprofen industry.
[when i invented the mirror]
oh look it’s that ugly guy from the pond
A kid in the grocery store screamed “I’M COMING FOR YOU, CORNDOGS!” as his dad opened the freezer, and I felt jealous that he has a catchphrase at age 10.