How can you have beef with Keanu…it’s like hating a rainbow
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Squirrels always act like they just realized they left the oven on back in their tree
The best part of marriage is when your spouse goes on a diet and you don’t have to share your snacks.
On average, a person has sex 86 times a year. Apparently, this is going to be one hell of a week.
My kid said that bagels are just sad donuts, so obviously he’s broken and I have to return him.
Me: *pours 3rd glass of wine at dinner*
My organs: We strike at dawn.
When you say you’re a “foodie”, that means you like to eat gross food and then pretend that you like it? When I was a kid that just meant I got dessert.
Them: hey wanna go to the movies later?
Me: sure what time?
Them: 8:30
Me: *laughs in over 40*
i said i was a “bawler” not a “baller” – i meant that i cry a lot
Milk Cube
With KFC’s announcement they’ve created an edible coffee cup, the chain is ready to face its next challenge: creating edible food.
[wife talking to me on phone 45 mins after I go to play poker at friends house]
“stop crying for a second…what do you mean you lost me?”
My kids’ hamster escaped and I found her hiding from them in the closet so I just left her in there because honestly I get it… I get it.
Music takes practice. Before they were Duran Duran they had to Duwalk Duwalk.
LOAN OFFICER: Sign here…
ME: *signs*
LO: And, here.
ME: *signs*
LO: Down payment, please.
ME: Here you go.
LO: You want road hazard insurance?
ME: Yes, please.
LO: Sign here.
ME: *signs* Is that it?
LO: Yes, the barista will call your name when the order’s ready.
“This smoothie is spicy!”
“Ma’am, that’s salsa.”
*First Date*
Him: You’ve been really quiet. Everything ok?
Me: *Sadly* Your SnapChat photos made me think you were a super intelligent dog.
Hello, I am a dollar-store towel. I look almost normal but am made entirely of petroleum and repel moisture more effectively than a raincoat
More often than not, I read applause as applesauce.
Him: It’s been 20 minutes! I know what you’re doing in there! Stop it!
Me: *in shower* No! I’ve waited all day!
Him: Don’t do it! Get out!
Me: *touching my face* You can’t stop me!
So when a bear steals a picnic basket it’s “endearing” and “funny” but when I do it it’s “rude” and “unsanitary”
Guys in motorcycle clubs should have to go door to door like Mormon missionaries.
I don’t really wanna join but I’d like to be asked
Ovulating in your forties is like a going out of business sale.
My ex says he’s dating someone new but according to his Instagram she’s a sandwich
I need an Amazddy. It’s like a sugar daddy, but they randomly pay for the stuff in your Amazon cart.
If there’s one thing children have taught me it’s how to count down from 5 while pretending there’s a huge consequence if I ever reach zero.
My new party trick.. I swallow two pieces of string and an hour later they come out of my ass tied together….I shit you knot…
In my experience, the best way to get herd immunity is to go up and punch the biggest cow in the field right in the face. Those other cows won’t touch you bro. I haven’t gotten shit off a cow in three years now.
Why do people say they tried calling me? No, you did, in fact, succeed in calling. I just didn’t answer.
How’s homeschooling going?
I just failed grade 5 math.
Again.