#SCOTUS one-star review
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I would never be comfortable delivering a baby. I can’t even remove an avocado pit without dropping it.
Happy Friday
When a girl says “I’m cold” don’t be an idiot and say “me too”, instead say “well damn Jackie I can’t control the weather”
Toddlers wait until you’re at your breaking point to lean in for a hug and headbutt you right in the eye socket.
Someone: describe your sex life in two words.
Me: my what?
Hey, want to be best friends again?
-6, eyeing the birthday gifts that 4 just opened
One of our doctors has such good handwriting, I’m beginning to wonder if he’s really qualified.
I should put a bowl of this Halloween candy in my office in case anyone wants some.
-Me, working from home. Alone.
Me: I read where psychologists are worried that after all this time in lockdown, people are going to have trouble adjusting to regular social interaction again. What do you think?
My couch:
If you’re going to cook a hamster, don’t you dare do it in the microwave. Be civilized. Use a rotisserie.
LAWYER: where were you on the night of the stabbings
ME (not wanting to admit I was watching the Bachelor finale & crying): stabbing people
Before company arrives we like to clean our house so there’s no evidence that we live like circus monkeys the other 364 days of the year!
Daughter: are ghosts real?
Me: no.
Daughter: grandma told me ghosts are real.
Me: honey, grandma passed away before you were bor-wait.
I think my new neighbors are creeps. They seem to be looking into my window every time I’m looking out my window to see what they are doing.
coworker: those are some crazy socks
me: well I guess th-
socks: THE GOVERNMENT RECORDS ALL OF OUR PHONE CALLS & IS HIDING UFO EVIDENCE
me: i want to save this document
computer: great, just click save
me: ok i want to save it as something else
computer: easy, save as
me: amazing! i’m gonna save it as a pdf
computer: print
I’m in court with another one of those attorneys who licks their fingers before turning every single page in their file.
I do not regret the contempt fine I’m about to receive, but this must stop.
King Crab: look at me, I have delicious legs
Imitation Crab *with funny voice*: look at me, I have delicious legs
Ah yes. My husband and I in our natural habitat.
Lying in bed on our phones whilst blowing pet hair off our screens.
Wife – You ate all of the Reeses eggs?
Me – You left them out in the open on the top shelf under the shirts in the back of the closet.
It’s unfortunate that our feet can’t taste things because there’s so much potential in flavored socks and crocs.
sometimes you see a really brain-dead “political theory” take on here, then you realize it’s just a 19-year-old who figured out a really verbose way to say they hate school
That’s it. I’m printing my mom a hard copy of Urban Dictionary for Christmas this year.
I heard from someone in the know that every bank is going to collapse this week and we should all go to the banks at the same time and get all of our money out
Chivalry is just the study of green onions right?
My daughter used to be afraid of the monster in her closet but like I told her, it’s the ones under your bed that you really need to worry about
Don’t worry, men. Women can’t tell women to calm down either.
I shaved my legs for this, which means this doctor appointment is a date now.
Glad my new mirror came w this manual. Let me see how this works.
I’m thinking about getting an arm tattooed on my snake.