No matter what country they’re in ducks always have the same quaccent.
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Oh no, my kid got upset at me and locked himself in his room. What ever will I do. Margarita anyone?
me: *hanging back a bit while out with friends*
friends: that guy has followed us to 3 bars.
Mom: I think I’ll name her Jenny.
Dr: I’m sorry, that name is already taken, but you can name her jenny_2828
if I get married all my bridesmaids are going to be bats
{At the last supper}
Group- “can you believe jesus just turned this water into wine!”
Me- {cutting up lines of table salt} “jesus, could you do me a favor?”
I told my kids we get visited by the Easter Chicken because bunnies don’t lay eggs.
“Now you sound ridiculous,” said 8.
Griddle me this!!
– Batman villain ordering breakfast.
beyoncé communicating with the dead is what i would call a seyoncé.
Me: Hey Alexa-
Alexa: OMG WHEN ARE YOU GOING BACK TO THE OFFICE
My issue with Jeopardy is that you never get the sense that the contestants are in any real danger
Sometimes I think I’m stupid then I remind myself: Would a stupid person spend years of their life on twitter? Yeah I didn’t think so…
I only have eyes for you. I got them from the morgue. I’ll probably get arrested.
If I were lost and all I had was a compass I would still be lost.
A cheap way to get Botox face is by walking your dog in zero degree temperature.
GOD: I call them Water Buffalo
ANGEL: But they live on land
GOD: Yep
ANGEL:
GOD:
ANGEL: u really dont care anymore do u
GOD: Not a bit
[pulling my wife out of the sewer]
her: this is why you have to put the toilet seat down
Be the horrifying backstory of your family’s lineage.
Even in a suit, Matthew McConaughey looks like he’s just been rescued after two weeks lost in the desert.
[notices a girl is cold] here take my pants
I like that they just call it brown sauce. I mean, can you be a little more vague, please. What the hell’s actually in that stuff?!
You think jumping out of an airplane is dangerous? Pfft…try going to Trader Joe’s when you’re starving to death.
If only the workout your thumbs get from scrolling on your phone would go to your abs.
I just ate some leftover mashed potatoes out of my hair, and I don’t even remember having mashed potatoes
If you see my account doing wild or out-of-character things, no worries. It’s not me, I routinely rent it out as an Airbnb
boat question
The dude at the airport parking lot turned on the heated steering wheel in our car we’ve owned for 2+ years and I have no idea how to turn it off. I didn’t even know we had a heated steering wheel.
to discover what’s going on with justin bieber we caught up with his manager scooter braun, who is named after two different types of razors
[first day as a spelling bee judge]
Me: your word is Sarcasm
Him: can you use it in a sentence please?
Me: no, I’m a spelling bee judge but can’t use a word in a sentence
being a pirate is so easy…I can do it standing on one leg
I lost the birth video of my son so I’m at the labour ward hoping to recreate it. I’ll just zoom in close so my wife won’t be able to tell.