I want to be rich enough to tell the Chipotle cashier, “Guacamole is NO OBJECT!”
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Some people just lack the ability to laugh at themselves. That’s where I come in.
I’m hitting up real estate open houses for toilet paper because I’m a genius don’t want to brag but I’m very smart
Police Sketch Artist: How about now?
Me: Look I already told you, the fruit bowl is nice for perspective, but I wasn’t mugged by a naked guy
Latest survey shows that 3 out of 4 people make up 75% of the world’s population.
Oh you’ve jumped out of an airplane? Well, I’ve run down the stairs in SOCKS, so I think we’re even
“Well maybe they shouldn’t make soap out of animal fat if they didn’t want people to eat it!” I yell from the emergency room, mouth foaming
Me: You haven’t fought with your sister in two whole days.
10yo: I know. We should send her to camp more often.
Gmail is down. My wife is running around screaming. The toddler just cursed at Grandma. Grandma spat at the toddler. The dog is dancing to Slipknot. The freezer is burning. The floor is lava
WTF
As I rise from my slumber the children scream in horror, as they did not know I was in the McDonald’s Playland ball pit
My single friends are always talking about clubbing and being hit on. Today’s social scene sounds so violent.
[job interview]
“So what would you say is your biggest weakness?”
“I’m pretty bad at reading situations.” *tries to kiss interviewer*
I’m sorry, I’m about to lose you because I’m driving through a tunnel underwater in a canyon on an airplane while hanging up the phone.
People who have to keep a phone charger in the bathroom; have you heard of shredded wheat and raisin bran?
Sadly, at 8:11 PM Mark Jones was mispronounced dead.
[at hospital]
Doctor: I’m afraid this man has deed. Am I saying that right? He’s deed.
Me: I can read on the toilet until my feet fall asleep
Job interviewer: …and a weakness?
PSA: Always be yourself
Identity theft carries a sentence of up to 15 years prison time
[dj voice] “Make some noise, Dad Party!”
*dads go nuts*
“Whatcha wanna hear, I’m taking requests”
[in unison] HI TAKING REQUESTS I’M DAD
People who carry their dogs around,
You know they can walk, right? Theyre real good at it. It’s like one of the top known things about dogs
My boyfriend said that I’m more than enough woman for him, and now I’m mad because I think he called me fat.
(uses phone to push more food onto my fork)
Me: you need to pick up your Legos
4: can I ask you something first
M:
4: how about you pick up my Legos and I play with my cars while you do that
M:
4: I think that’s the best plan
M: um, no
4: screams
Have your tribal tattoo call my tramp stamp and let’s make beautiful, douchey babies together.
Marriage is about understanding what irritates your spouse and using it strategically.
Genie: *facepalm* And your final wish?
Me: To not have Alzheimers anymore
*looks at two lifetime supplies of skittles*
Genie: Probably should have opened with that
Imagine the excitement of the first scientist to travel between parallel dimensions. He’ll be beside himself.
Save time sledding with kids by just throwing away one mitten before you even leave the house
HEIST MASTERMIND: There’s laser tripwires everywhere, so be careful.
GUY WHO ALWAYS OPENS BAGS OF M&Ms WAY TOO HARD: Got it.
Don’t tell me about Stockholm Syndrome, I woke up at 6 AM on my first day of vacation wondering how things were going at work.
Bro. His friends dared him to go touch your shoe