Why non-smokers don’t take bubble blowing breaks is beyond me
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Still complaining about the guy with a million followers taking credit for your tweets? Never had a boss have you?
I’ve named my couch American Idle.
I love my new crockpot. Now we can wait longer to eat my horrible cooking.
Now that I’m 40, I’ve had to change my safe word to ‘my knees! my knees!’
I always blame other people for my problems and it’s all your fault.
Scientists report global context shortage. “I guess I’ll have flan,” some scientist said, totally out of context.
Her: hey handsome, why don’t you give me your number…
Me: …because I still need it.
Your honor, my client could not have done this. The crime was committed way past his bedtime
Everyone was sick in my house for a month and finally better and then my daughter coughed so I jumped off the balcony.
The plan: slip my number to the hot guy and whisper “Let’s talk later”
How it went: slipped and fell into the hot guy and stammered “–‘stalk later”
(after spending 15 minutes ripping a video off instagram and reposting it to twitter) who did this 😂😂😂😂😂
There were only 7 deadly sins and then you came along.
Not to brag but my boss gave me a certificate of achievement and he said it’s much more prestigious than a pay raise.
Them: I wish for world peace
Me: May all the food you order resemble the picture on the menu
I don’t have ADD. It’s just that everything is more interesting than what I have to get done.
I wish you were here with me baby
So you can close the curtains and let the dog out, I don’t wanna get up
[couples therapy]
Me: And then he used a metal spatula on my brand new non-stick pan!
Therapist: *gasps* You’re a monster.
If you wait until the last minute to do something it only takes a minute to do it.
*brings pen to sword fight*
Me: ‘This ending kinda writes itself.’
Great way to make friends is to pee in the same urinal someone else is already using.
This is why you don’t eat at everybody house
When they said “it takes a village” I thought they were referring to raising a child not keeping up with laundry.
Best Halloween yard decorations 😂
*removes turban to reveal an even more seductive turban*
cat faces on other animals, a thread
I feel a bit overdressed here at WalMart because my pajamas match.
First, they came for the lettuce… and I said nothing because I don’t eat lettuce.
Then, they came for the kale… and I said nothing because I don’t eat kale.
Then they came for the fries…
and I said, OH. HELL. NO.
tornados are just a bunch of ghosts fighting over a cow.
I Just Watched The Simpsons For The First Time. Bart’s Grades Are… Disturbing
Chris: I don’t care.
Kris: I don’t kare either.