Whenever I hear a lady in the next stall trying to unwrap a tampon as quietly as possible I yell, “HEY, IS THAT CANDY? CAN I HAVE SOME?”
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I ordered the chick on page 3 in the Victoria’s Secret catalog…
But all they sent me was her underwear.
Wearing pigtails to relive my youth and scare men when I turn around.
Baby is born.
Me: Wow. Everyone thinks he looks exactly like my husband. I don’t think he got anything from me.
3 years later: child sighs heavily, slams doors, and rolls eyes so far back he can see his spine.
Me: Theeeere it is.
I was telling some bro at a party about how I’m related to Emily Brontë and he said “it’s pronounced Blunt”.
I like people who can tell you exactly which live music gig caused their early onset hearing loss.
I covered my gf with dough and raisins and put her in the oven to annoy her. Hell hath no fury like a woman sconed
[orders pizza]
Would you also like our cheesy bread, comes with sauce?
Are you trying to sell me a side of pizza with my pizza? 2 please.
Him: I can’t wait to sit with you and watch the sunsets this summer.
Me: Oh that will never happen.
Him: Are you breaking up with me?
Me: No. It’s just the sun doesn’t set until like 9pm and that’s way past my bedtime.
[on way to play charades with gf’s family]
I don’t wanna go
why
I don’t wanna look silly
you won’t
*first thing I have to act out is pasta*
How does North Korea only have four medals so far?
We’re the best at everything.
We even fed our athletes this time.
Doing word problems as a kid as helped me in adulthood. “Dan doesn’t have enough money for his bills, how long before he is homeless?”
dad: You’re sitting at the kids table this Thanksgiving
me: Why?
dad: What’s a carburetor?
me: Uh
dad: Who’s SpongeBob’s best friend?
me: Patri- oh
Me: I’m worried about my kleptomania.
Doctor: Here, take this.
Met someone on Craigslist, guess I’m dating a grill now.
Wanted: 6 people to dress up as Zombie Teletubbies and join me in a circle howling at the moon in my neighbor’s arbory
No weirdos
A tornado can get rough quickly, so it’s important to agree on a safe word before having sex with a tornado.
A good rule is to check the recall list before opening a bag of romaine lettuce. Check it again after making the salad. Check once more tableside.
Taking my husband’s last name doesn’t mean I’m not a feminist it means I don’t want anyone I went to high school with to be able to find me ever again
If you forget what it’s like to talk on a Pay Phone, just lick the handle of a shopping cart
people act so amazed at shroedingers cat being alive and dead at the same time as if they’ve never met someone who works customer service
Fitbit says it’s time to chase another victim through the cornfield.
My Ponds Vanishing cream disappeared.
The Dark Web implies the existence of a Medium and dare I say Blonde Roast Web.
“Can’t beat fresh apple pie” she says, setting 1 down. I slam my fist into it. 3rd degree burns. “Wrong” I whisper 4 hrs later in the ER.
I just had the best argument in my head and I cannot wait until someone pisses me off.
A client on the phone accidentally said they love me before they hung up
Not gonna lie it felt good
My robot vacuum and I are cut from the same cloth. When we see a line of dirt on the kitchen floor, we just spin around and go the other way.
My kids would rather hide a plate in the most obscure, hard to reach places in our home just so they don’t have to take a 5 second walk and return it to our kitchen.
I asked what she wanted for her birthday and she said she’d like anything I picked out for her and I’ve never been more afraid.
[Sesame Street casting]
Director: We need role models for the kids
“There’s a grouch and a cookie addict”
Director: Anything else?
“Two jobless roommates”
Director: First of all I love it