My daughter came downstairs and gave me the last bite of her favorite candy. She’d learned to share, and I was proud.
Then her brother came downstairs asking who ate all of his candy. “WE did!” my daughter declared. She’d learned to share blame, and I was even prouder.
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People on Twitter are crazy. You can be like “I like summer” and there’ll be a comment under it like “wowww really? summer??? how dare you even say that? I expected more from you, you entitled piece of shit”
When a woman asks you to smell something, it usually smells good.
Men on the other hand…
I wish I was as committed to anything the way infomercial actors are committed to over dramatizing their reaction to household chores.
Nothing wakes you up faster than a 5 y/o kicking open your door like SWAT and jumping on you in bed.
I love watching my 3yo and 2yo fight because they throw kicks and nobody makes contact and they say shit like, “you’re boring!” and “I have socks!” as insults and it’s amazing.
Through repetition and sheer will I’ve mastered gracefully falling on my head
[inventor of the snooze button]
ok, these alarm clocks are pretty good, let’s add something to make them useless
Sorry I ate your baby but you shouldn’t have wrapped it like a burrito.
Heard someone on TV talking about a “decades old” song and my mind immediately went to the 1970s.
2001. The song they were talking about was from 2001.
This is me 🤣🤣
Me: dang those wings were spicy
WebMD: you have cancer
Me: I just ate buffalo wings I’m pretty sure it’s just heartburn
WebMD: ᵇᵘᶠᶠᵃˡᵒ ᶜᵃⁿᶜᵉʳ
the quokka and the viscacha look like they’re on opposite ends of the happiness spectrum
airports are so funny. like “oh you’re flying across the country? would you like to hang out in a mall first”
Me: I have a Black Belt
Her: Karate?
Me: Faux leather. 40”
Want to lose weight for the Summer? Don’t worry, simply check-in your bags here. That’s 23 kilos you’ll never see again.
Please enter new password
Me: Candy123
Password shouldn’t be similar to previous password
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J:$aBhh?/@‘c,2.”1f3&,0LP?!477F.91$uMe: Candy123!
Just saved two ants from drowning in the pool, so I assume they’re rushing back to their colony to tell everyone they were lifted to safety by the giant hand of god.
[ first day of engineer school ]
teacher: and what don’t we call them
me: choo choos
teacher: [nodding] choo choos
I gave artisanal crisps a chance, because they’re crisps. But I am done with these crackpot flavours now. “Gravel steamed wildebeest and okra”. “Startled jellyfish with air”. “Pancake and moss”. “Thoughts of turnip”. “Boastful earwig on a bible”. Enough is enough
It’s not truly a junk drawer until you have a bag of rubber bands, keys that fit no lock in your house, instructions for things you no longer own, a half-used tube of super glue, pens with questionable utility, and at least five likely dead AA batteries.
[best read with a French accent]
“I am so very sorry sir, without a reservation, there is simply nothing I can do for you.”
god I hope there’s no such thing as reincarnation I’m way too tired to do this again
I’m too rational for astrology. Why would I ask a goat in the sky to tell my fortune when I can consult the entrails of an actual goat right here on Earth?
Me: this whole quarantine thing has caused me to use my phone so much more. my phone case feels super grimy and sticky.
Husband: are…are you using your phone to spread peanut butter?
Me, licking case: and jam.
him: anything to declare
me: i don’t really like soup
everyone else in customs: [GASP]
Nervously, I close the bag. “No way,” I tell myself. “It’s not like she’s gonna count the fries.” I start to sweat.
I don’t care what color they are, if you have two socks, that’s a pair of socks
Her: You have a cigarette machine in your kitchen?
Me: Well it would look ridiculous in the living room…
If I’ve learned anything from children it’s that, no matter what, if you have two socks, you have a pair of socks