You Might Also Like
Getting home and realizing my sister took all of the peanut clusters is the biggest Christmas double-cross there has ever been. I bet she got in her car, laughing, and just started driving for the coast
Me: If moths like light so much why haven’t they all flown into the Sun?
Boss:does anyone have any work related questions?
Storing photos in our parent’s attic was our cloud in the 20th century.
There’s a fine line between myth and reality and booze blurs it nicely.
every grocery store becomes an escape room if you see someone you know
I never wanted to be a member of the Addams Family for Halloween because my fingers would be raw from snapping them the whole night.
hello, this is the co-pilot speaking. the captain can’t talk cause we both said “hope we don’t die haha” at the same time and i jinxed him
Ageing is just getting angrier and angrier at what rappers are called now until you see a rap name that gives you an aneurysm and you die
Idea: a neck tattoo that depicts a man having an unsuccessful job interview because of his neck tattoo
“I set all the cattle free.”
– Reverse Cowgirl
I don’t use commas in my tweets I am a rebel without a pause
wife: I’m leaving you
me: is it because I cheated on you
wife: wha- no it’s because you keep bringing around your friend Mike who says ‘uh oh spaghetti-os’ when bad things happen
the closet: uh oh spaghetti-os
“Mommy don’t sit on the swing because you’re going to make it wider!” – my daughter screaming to me at the park
My favorite thing about decorative towels is how you’re not allowed to use them.
Because nothing says CLASS like useless towels.
The letter R is just the letter P showing off some leg.
Him [sexy voice]: let’s do it on the couch
Me: ew babe no that’s where we eat
Pulled a power move on the neighborhood dads by shoveling my driveway before it stopped snowing
Good morning babe! Do you like good girls? [Starts making you breakfast] or bad girls [burns the toast]
Him: How did you get in my house?
I told my husband that our toddler won’t eat tomatoes and he asked why not, as if toddlers are normal human beings
[having helped prep some pistachios while my wife spends two hours putting together the rest of the meal] How about those nuts, huh? You can really taste the deshelling
I prefer the term “quirky”, it sounds less diagnosable.
“Open your gift”
A ‘non-stick’ frying pan?
“You don’t like it?”
Non-stick? [smashes rest of gifts] YOU KNOW HOW MUCH I LOVE STICKS BRENDA
HER: i love bad boys
ME: [trying to impress] my mom thinks i’m in bed
CANADIAN: Let’s watch a movie
AMERICAN: Have you seen Titanic?
CANADIAN: What’s that about?
AMERICAN: Yes, it was. A huge one that sank
“It’s been months since I got laid.”
– Baby chickens
Oh, you asked if I had a perfect BEACH body. Now I see why you were confused when I said “Yes, I’m round, ripe & covered in fuzz.”
Thoughts and prayers for this lady who tried to make her purse lighter by throwing out a couple of visiting cards.
Of course, because I’m wearing a white shirt, my coffee chose violence.
My fiancee knows that I would kill for her, and it’s really annoying that she hasn’t asked me to yet.
Oh, please don’t pay attention on that voodoo doll you’re going to find outside your door!
That was by mistake