Hillary: if we aren’t careful donald trump could be our next president. Let that sink in
Clinton Aide: *opens door*
Sink: sorry i’m late
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Don’t look at me like you’ve never eaten a turkey leg in the shower
waiter: how did u find your meal sir?
me: i… i looked down
*whistles at dog*
DOG: I have a boyfriend
They just discovered an Egyptian tomb filled with chocolate and hazelnut. They believe it’s the tomb of Pharaoh Rocher.
No. I would not like it if my dog knew how to talk, I taught my daughter to talk now all she does is make fun of me
I want to go see the new Queen movie but I am just a poor boy from a poor family…
Eve: I got an Apple.
Adam: …
Eve: …
Adam: …
Eve: What?
Adam: I thought we’d decided on Android.
Eve: The serpent said this was better.
juries are sort of a bad idea idk… have you met 12 people ??
My cat just sniffed my right eye & licked his lips. When I die alone in my house, he’ll probably eat that eyeball first.
My gf told me that I punched her in the face while I was sleeping last night. I apologized because I totally remember being awake for that.
*first time fishing*
Me: Ok now what
Friend: See that hook? You’re aiming to get that in the mouth
Me: orkay nrow wrhat
If I don’t win Mega Millions tonight, I’m going to have to mend a lot of fences tomorrow.
Every recipe should include ingredients, instructions, and which local restaurant delivers last minute
rumpelstiltskin: your child is mine unless you can guess my name within three days
barista: oh no
How much would you have to pay a teacher to flunk your kid so he has to go to Summer School? Just planning ahead…
him: what are you looking for on this dating site?
me: someone who will hold the cats down so I can take pics of them wearing sunglasses.
Original plans for Mt Rushmore had the mouths carved open so they would scream out bats at the setting sun then eat them again at dawn.
When my wife packs for a trip she basically moves out.
Me: I don’t have time for anxiety. I have so much to do before tomorrow.
Anxiety: Ha! Good one. You’re funny!
Me: Funny how?
Who called it raising pigs for meat and not Mama, just killed a ham?
I refuse to believe Marchioness of Cholmondeley is a legitimate title, and not just what would happen if I drank 5 glasses of wine and then tried to say Matthew Mcconaughey.
Friend is going bungee jumping so I told him he was born because of a broken rubber and he could die the same way. He didn’t laugh…
Had great idea for site for recent law grads called BarelyLegal .com. Turns out name was already taken. And their idea was much better.
sure nickleback is great but have you guys ever heard of quarterback? they’re like 5 times better
Horrifying if literal: arm candy
Fact: People do their most creative problem solving when they’re drunk.
(I didn’t say best, I said creative)
“Ouch!”
“Ow!”
“Careful, that’s my bad knee!”
“Oh great, now my arm is numb!”
“I think I need to ice something”
“Maybe we should rest for a minute!”
– sex in your 40’s
I was going to delete that tweet with the typo but then I realized it was upsetting people.
i spent way too long on this
I’m not saying I’m jealous of the pigeons but I certainly wouldn’t mind someone throwing food at me from this park bench.